Taco Bell. Just the name brings up images of garbage food you get at a drive-thru at 2AM and savor every bite of. Not every menu item is good. I’d even say most of them are bad. But some of them are great. Just like characters in the X-Men franchise! Today I bring to you the ultimate guide to Taco Bell – what menu items correspond to what X-Men? Maybe if there’s a character you like you’ll be spurred to try out their corresponding Taco Bell item. I feel like I’m rambling so let’s get to the list!
Cheesy Gordita Crunch: Wolverine
Wolverine is an X-Man that people will frequently say they hate, often citing his constant appearances in nearly every X-Book and how much X-Media focuses on him. But the thing is, Wolverine gets this overexposure because honestly? He’s one of the best characters in the team. Much like Wolverine, Taco Bell’s Cheesy Gordita Crunch is the best thing on the menu. Seriously, it’s delicious. The thing is, if you eat too much of it (say, 3) you will start to feel really sick, because despite how incredible this thing is, too much of it will turn into poison.
Baja Blast: Scott
If you were to ask a bunch of random people on the street who the first X-Man they thought of was, you’d very quickly get a lot of responses saying Cyclops. Love him or hate him, Scott Summers is emblematic of the X-Men as a team. Just like, sadly, Mountain Dew’s Baja Blast is emblematic of Taco Bell. It’s their signature drink, the one that when brought up immediately makes everyone think of their favorite garbage fake mexican food joint. Yet, despite their emblematic natures, both Cyclops and the Baja Blast are incredibly controversial – it’s near impossible to be neutral on them. You either love them or hate them, but either way you can’t deny their status as iconic.
Crunchwrap Supreme: Nightcrawler
Nobody hates the crunchwrap. It might not be everyone’s favorite taco bell menu item, but it’s pretty much impossible to dislike it. It’s a fantastic creation that adds an extra level of texture to an already good meal. You can’t go wrong with it. The X-Man that most clearly embodies this level of broad appeal is Nightcrawler. Seriously, while not everyone may love the fuzzy elf, I don’t think there’s a single person who hates him. How can you hate such a well made character?
Mexican Pizza: Colossus
When he was a kid, the only thing my cousin would order at Taco Bell was the mexican pizza. I never really understood why, and to this day I still don’t. In fact, now that he’s far older, I asked him why he liked it so much, and he had no clue. It’s not good! Just like Colossus, the X-Men’s resident terrible person. Sure when you’re a kid, you see the big dude who turns into metal and is nice on the surface and you like him, but as an adult, it’s pretty much impossible to understand why people like this and why it’s even on the menu.
Grilled Cheese Burrito: Glob
The Grilled Cheese Burrito is honestly a horrifying concoction to look at. Seriously, when I first saw it my only question was “why does this exist?” And yet, underneath its gross exterior, it’s still the Taco Bell we all love. Just like Glob Herman – underneath his paraffin exterior and his kind of disconcerting skeleton, our boy Glob is just like the rest of the X-Men – he wants to be loved. And we love him, despite his nasty surface.
Doritos Locos Taco: Daken
The taco is the taco. It’s the centerpiece of Taco Bell, the menu item that could only be described as “classic.” Yet for some reason, Taco Bell saw fit to change it up and give the world a new model, something with the 90s-00s vibe of dorito dust. This is directly comparable to Wolverine’s son Akihiro, who was created by Daniel Way and made to be an edgier version of Wolverine. A “modern” sheen on a staple character. Now, obviously Akihiro’s development since then has made him more than just this, just as improvements on the original Doritos Locos Taco have made it more than a gimmick – it’s almost become a staple in its own right.
Chalupa: Bishop
The Chalupa was, for a time, the hottest item on the Taco Bell menu. Everyone wanted one. It was all the rave of the 90s. But as the 00s rolled around into the 10s, it got covered up more and more by flashier, newer items. The chalupa is still good, and deserves to be recognized, but it’s no longer the powerhouse of the Taco Bell menu it once was. Just like the beloved Lucas Bishop, who had almost the same trajectory as a character. Created in the 90s and incredibly popular for a while, he eventually fell to the wayside as the X-Men cast got bigger and bigger and developed fandoms that weren’t into the old 90’s characters. He’s still a fantastic character and still appears in some of the best modern X-books, but that spark that he brought just doesn’t seem to be there anymore.
Naked Chicken Chalupa: Post-Messiah CompleX Bishop
Now, one of Taco Bell’s attempts to make the Chalupa relevant again was to subvert it from the ground up. There was no more fried tostada shell filled with meat and vegetables. The tostada is gone, and the shell is now fried chicken. It was horrifying and a mess and is best left forgotten. This echoes Marvel’s attempts to make Bishop relevant again – Messiah CompleX. By making the character genocidal, Marvel seemed to think it would make him interesting to newer readers. Instead, it just made a generation of people hate Bishop for the horrible things he was doing. This take is best left retconned or ignored entirely.
Nacho Fries: Cable
French Fries are not Mexican food. They’re not Tex-Mex food. They’re firmly in the arena of “non-Mexican” cuisine. But Taco Bell, in their desire to include them, decided the best way to do it was to sprinkle some taco seasoning atop the fries. And it turns out, they’re delicious. They’re one of the best things on the menu. Compare this to Rob Liefeld’s creation, Cable. Large men with guns aren’t really X-Men. Especially at this point in time. But if there’s one thing Liefeld loves to draw, it’s large men with guns. And somehow, it worked. Sprinkling a little bit of X-Men flavor onto him (by way of making him Scott Summers’ kid) turned this big gun man into one of the X-Men’s best characters. Every time he shows up it’s a treat.
Beefy Nacho Griller: Scout
The Loaded Griller – sorry, Nacho Griller – is a relatively new addition to the menu, yet it has quickly become a fan favorite. It’s sweet, it’s spicy, it’s cheap, and it’s delicious. What more could you ask for? Now, the X-Men equivalent of this is definitely the utterly delightful Gabby Kinney, sister of Laura. She’s adorable, vicious, and fun as hell. And just like the “Nacho Griller,” sometimes they change her perfectly good name to something stupid like Scout for no reason!
Bean Burrito: Angel
Quesarito: Archangel
The quesarito, from an etymological standpoint, is the combination of a quesadilla and a burrito. From a structural standpoint, it is essentially a burrito where the outer tortilla has been replaced by a cheese quesadilla, making it extra cheesy. It’s delicious and indulgent and filled with toxins that we Taco Bell lovers have developed an immunity to. Warren Worthington III, the beloved Angel, once was the standard burrito of the X-Men. We liked him, we appreciated him, but when they started rolling out things like the Cheesy Gordita Crunch, he began to fall by the wayside. But all that changed when Apocalypse wrapped him in a cheesy outer shell of death. And flechettes. The change to Archangel revitalized Angel as a character, providing angst and violence and death to this former rich boy with wings, just as a quesadilla provides cheese and calories (so many calories) to our beloved burrito.
Vishal Gullapalli is highly opinionated and reads way too much.
