With the return of the NFL today, plenty of fanatics are waiting with bated breath to see their beloved teams and players take to the turf and play some good ol’ football. But for fans like me, who’ve basically given up on their team after years of mediocrity, we’ve had to find solace in other things… like the X-Men. But reading X-Men comics, as great as it is, has me missing out on the football content that defined so much of my life for years. The only solution seems to be to combine the two! So today I give to you the ultimate 2020 guide to the best mutant football team. 

Offense

Quarterback

The quarterback is the centerpiece of a standard NFL offense. This position normally throws the ball, but can hand it off to other team members or even make a run for it themself. A good quarterback, more than anything else, needs to be a good decision maker on the fly. They need to be able to react to what the defense is doing and make the optimal decision – be it who to throw to, what play to run, any last minute adjustments. The quarterback’s intuition is more important than their physical attributes – although obviously as with any sport, physical attributes are still important.

All that being said, one might think Cyclops was the perfect choice for the position. He’s a leader, he has a very tactical mind, and is known for being able to see the entire battlefield to map out a plan. And this is all correct, but there’s someone else who’s just as good at all of these – Scott’s son Cable. Plus. Cable’s absolutely ripped, meaning he can probably throw a football at least 20 yards further than Cyclops.

Backs

Halfback

The halfback is the main running player of the team. On a typical run play, the halfback will receive the ball and have to run through or around the defense as far as they can. Occasionally, they will receive passes from the quarterback on passing plays, or serve as an additional blocker to protect the quarterback. A good halfback is versatile – can run through or around a large group of people, can take a full speed tackle from pretty much anyone, can serve to protect the much more fragile quarterback, can catch passes. It’s a much more physical position than the quarterback.

Now the obvious choice for this is Juggernaut, but you forget! He’s not a mutant. No, the actual best mutant halfback is Kate Pryde, formerly known as Shadowcat and Ariel and Sprite. Forget charging through people trying to tackle you, Kate can just walk without getting tackled. She wouldn’t have to do anything risky like throwing or catching the ball – she could just take it from the quarterback and saunter over into the endzone with the defense unable to do anything about it. 

Fullback

The fullback rarely goes out without a halfback, and doesn’t go out on every play. They usually serve as extra protection – either for the quarterback on a pass play, or the halfback on a run play. Occasionally, fullbacks will be tasked to receive short passes from the quarterback or make short runs – they’re not expected to gain too many yards. A good fullback is typically very strong and physical, and doesn’t really need to be particularly fast or agile.

This one’s easy. The answer’s Wolverine aka Logan aka James Howlett aka Patch aka… you get the gist. Not only is Logan incredibly heavy due to his adamantium skeleton, he will refuse to go down without an unstoppable force there to stop him. Not only would he be a formidable force if handed the ball, his paternal instincts towards the halfback Kate Pryde means that he would be a ferocious blocker, ensuring that anyone who might be able to reach her has as hard a time as possible.

Receivers

Wide Receiver

Wide receivers are the primary targets for the quarterback on pass plays. On running plays, receivers exist to either prevent exterior defenders from reaching the running back. However, they are not usually expected to be stronger, more physical players. The key traits of a WR are the ability to catch and hold onto a ball through contact, and the awareness to ensure their feet land in bounds.

Most teams have two starting Wide Receivers and one Slot receiver, so we’ll stick with those numbers. The first mutant that’d make a perfect WR is Nightcrawler aka Kurt Wagner. Not only would his agility and dexterity allow him to leap over people to catch near any ball, his mutant teleportation ability means that no matter where in the air he catches the ball, he can ensure he lands with both feet inbounds, and also instantaneously reach the end zone. 

The second WR is Cannonball aka Sam Guthrie. Sam, if you’re not aware, is nigh-invulnerable while he’s blastin’. That means that as long as the quarterback can get the ball to him, Sam can plow through pretty much any opposition to score a touchdown. It’d be unfair if it wasn’t so cool.

Slot Receiver

Slot receivers are wide receivers who run routes closer to the middle of the field, rather than the sidelines. They tend to be more agile than conventional wide receivers, and are not expected to be as explosive of playmakers, providing a safer option than deep throws down the field. Slot receivers utilize agility to make shorter, safer plays that can potentially open up into big gains. Their required skillset is similar to that of the conventional wide receiver, but prioritizing catching and holding onto the ball over speed.

The mutant best suited to the slot receiver position is Hellion aka Julian Keller. Hellion’s telekinesis would ensure that he retains possession of the ball, and while his flight would not let him be as explosive (heh) as Cannonball, he could still use it to gain some significant yardage. Of course, this is assuming he has his hands intact. I don’t know how possession works if the receiver doesn’t have hands.

Tight End

Tight ends are larger players who are able to catch the ball as well as block for the quarterback or runningback in equal measure. They are required to be larger and stronger than most wide receivers, while still being able to run routes and catch the ball. The most important skills are size and agility – the best tight ends are often the best all around athletes on offense.

Stepping around the very obvious joke here, the mutant who’d best fit this football position is Warpath aka James Proudstar. Warpath’s built big. He’s an intimidating person even without his mutant powers. He’s apparently over 7 feet tall! Add in his strength, speed, flight, and invulnerability, and you’ve got yourself an imposing tight end that while still the slowest receiver on the team is a formidable threat, and would definitely be a boon as a blocker..

Offensive Line

Offensive Tackle

There’s two offensive tackles – for a right handed quarterback, the left tackle protects the blind side and therefore has to be the best lineman on the team. The tackles are generally the strongest offensive linemen, as they serve to counter defenders trying to go around them. The right tackle is usually the team’s best run blocker, while the left tackle is usually the team’s best pass blocker – although this may change depending on whether the quarterback is right or left-handed.

The best left tackle, or blind tackle, is clearly Fred Dukes aka The Blob. He’s massive, and pretty much impossible to move, which is perfect for a pass blocker. Freddie would honestly probably be able to block multiple defenders at the same time, given his size. The quarterback would have virtually no worries about defenders rushing them from the blind side.

The best right tackle, on the other hand, I’d have to say is Armor aka Hisako Ichiki. Her psionic armor allows her a significant amount of mobility, perfect for opening up holes for the runningback while also being able to hold her ground against potential edge rushers. Plus,I love the image of a teenager lining up next to some gigantic men and then putting up her psionic exoskeleton when the ball’s snapped.

Guard

Guards are also offensive linemen, who serve to bolster the line even if they’re not as strong as the tackles. They’re expected to open up run lanes on running plays, and keep the line closed on passing plays. They’re expected to be strong, but less strong than the tackles.

The two best guards for an offensive line would have to be Colossus aka Piotr Nikolievitch Rasputin and Rockslide aka Santo Vaccaro, for similar reasons. They’re both large, strong, heavy men who are also more mobile than Blob – they’d be able to provide solid protection while also being able to create running lanes, which is an important job. The only worry would be that Santo isn’t disciplined enough to make sure he doesn’t get called for holding, but I assume Cable would be able to train him there. I really want to see that dynamic now, honestly.

Center

The center is (obviously) the center of the offensive line. They begin the play by snapping the ball to the quarterback, and are expected to immediately block effectively. Centers are intended to be the smartest player on the field after the quarterback, as they’re expected to figure out what the defense will be doing and adjust blocking schemes accordingly. At the same time, they’re expected to be just as strong of blockers as the rest of the line.

A smart AND strong, immovable player? This is a bit of a tall order, but there’s a clear perfect candidate: •┤Ȧ├•… or let’s just call him Apocalypse aka En Sabah Nur, since I as a human am not fit to say his other names. Apocalypse’s body manipulation ability combined with his natural size and strength means that he would be able to block near anyone coming to rush him, while his incredible intelligence would allow him to adjust based on what he sees in the defense. Apocalypse is definitely a good fit for this position, the only worry I’d have is that he’d be willing to let the defense get to Cable to ensure that Nate can’t kill him.

Defense

The 4-3 Defense is a fairly standard formation that has 2 defensive tackles and 2 defensive ends, and I’m going to assume we’re using this for the whole defensive selection. [Ed. note: Dom Capers is shaking his head while screaming about the merits of the 3-4]

Defensive Line

Defensive Tackle

Defensive tackles are the strongest members of the defense. They line up across from the guards, intending to rush through the offensive line to reach the quarterback or runningback before a play can get going. 

The best defensive tackles should be able to take hits from the offensive line, but hit them even harder to break through. That means that Strong Guy, Guido Carosella, would make a great DT. His power is that when he gets hit, he gets stronger, but he needs to hit something else otherwise his body gets deformed – if he tries to run into the offensive line and gets stopped, he physically has to hit them with even more power until it works. Assuming, of course, he wants to play – consent is important!

The other defensive tackle would be Forearm aka Michael McCain, whose powers are that he is strong and has four arms instead of two. These extra arms would allow him to gain extra leverage over people he’s trying to rush through as they would really only have two arms, giving him extra pushing power.

Defensive End

Defensive ends tend to be smaller than the tackles, but make up for it with quickness. They’re still strong, but are better at running around the offensive line than through. Their main goal is to contain the offense and prevent them from breaking out the sides of the line.

First off, we need to look at who the defensive ends are going to be directly facing against – one of them is Blob, who is nearly immovable. That’s why the best defensive end is one of very few mutants who can move the blob – Harry Leland, former Black Bishop of the Hellfire Club. His ability to make people incredibly heavy to the point of falling through the ground makes him an effective counter against any defensive lineman, especially Blob.

The second defensive end would be Battering Ram, whose name and powers are clearly a perfect fit for the defensive end position. But Vishal, you might ask, haven’t we only seen this guy in one issue where he died as an extended gag by Milligan and Allred? And the answer’s yes, but honestly I’m running out of massive mutants to use as linemen because making Gentle play football feels like a mutant rights violation.

Linebackers

Middle Linebacker

The middle linebacker is the “quarterback of the defense” and normally directs the rest of the defense to adjust to what he sees from the offense. This position is the most balanced of the defense, able to do everything – drop back in coverage, or go after the quarterback or runningback. They need to be the most well-rounded athlete of the defense.

So the captain of the defense needs to have a tactical mind to rival Cable’s. They need to be incredibly versatile, and able to provide support to any other position. And as I’m saying this, I’m realizing there’s only one choice. Cable’s daughter Hope. Hope has learned an incredible amount from her father, and more than that, her power is literally that she can copy the powers of anyone near her. This means she can replicate the powers of anyone else on offense or defense, allowing her to assist or counter any role on the field.

Strong Side Linebacker

The strong side linebacker usually lines up on the side of the field that the tight end is positioned, and is better at defending against the run. This position tends to be the largest of the linebackers, built as an intermediate between the middle linebacker and the defensive line.

So we need a strong, fast physical specimen for this one, someone who’s intimidating and will chase after their target with relentless fury. And maybe it’s just me, but the best fit for this job I can see is Caliban. Not your standard Caliban, though. Caliban as Death, horseman of Apocalypse. He’s large, he’s vicious, he’s got all the physical attributes you can want, and the tenacity to go after whoever he’s told to target. I can’t think of anyone better.

Weak Side Linebacker

The weak side linebacker lines up on the side of the field opposite the strong side, away from the tight end. This linebacker is better at defending against the pass, be it rushing against the quarterback or dropping back into coverage. They tend to be smaller and quicker than the other linebackers, built as an intermediate between the middle linebacker and the defensive backs.

So I’ve got an oddball pick for this one – Dani Moonstar AKA Mirage. Dani’s power is to make illusions of someone’s greatest desire or their greatest fear. She could, for instance, make the quarterback think there was a wide open receiver – or a lineman about to tackle them. She could make a wide receiver see a ball where there isn’t one, and could deploy countless other tricks to shake the game up. And being in the linebacker position means she doesn’t need to try and keep up with any of the receivers – she’s quite close to the center of the field and can adjust as the play develops.

Defensive Backs

Cornerback

Cornerbacks are the direct counter to wide receivers, tasked to either follow a receiver to dissuade the quarterback to throw their way, or cover a zone to prevent any successful pass plays around them. They may occasionally rush the quarterback to throw the offense off, but for the most part they cover receivers during pass plays. They need to be fast and good with their hands, with a similar skillset to receivers but with less emphasis on catching the ball.

Honestly, the defensive backs don’t need the ridiculous speed of the offense, as no matter how fast a wide receiver is, the football can only fly as fast as it can be thrown. As long as the defensive backs can stop the football from reaching the receivers, they’ll be effective. Which means my first pick for cornerback is Northstar aka Jean-Paul Beaubier, who is a flying speedster. Seriously, I don’t think there’s a better powerset for this position. Any pass will be contested as Northstar can reach the ball faster than almost anyone. 

My second cornerback would be a clear counter to the lovable Cannonball – his Massachusetts Academy counterpart, Jetstream aka Haroum ibn Sallah al-Rashid. He’s less invulnerable when he’s flying, but he’s just as fast and can easily compete with Sam to reach a thrown ball. Or pretty much any other receiver. Also, I just want him to be back because he did not deserve his fate in the 90s.

Strong Safety

The strong safety, like the strong side linebacker, lines up on the side of the tight end and tends to defend against the run. They tend to be larger and stronger than the free safety, but still smaller than any of the linebackers. On pass plays, the strong safety usually plays coverage, defending the slower receivers or tight end. Their responsibilities are a hybrid of linebackers and defensive backs, and they are normally versatile players with more of an emphasis towards speed.

This one’s gotta be fairly fast and strong, and needs a strong aerial presence. Which is why I have to give it to Rogue – at least her 80s and 90s iteration with Carol Danvers’ powers. She’s fast, strong, can fly, and would be a great fit at this position. Plus her natural mutant abilities mean she can incapacitate any player she’s trying to tackle… although that might be a personal foul.

Free Safety

The free safety corresponds to the quarterback in man-to-man coverage, but as the quarterback tends to not be a running position, the free safety is free to cover any receiver they need to. They tend to be dedicated to pass coverage, usually the smallest and fastest player on the defense. Offenses draw up plays to trick the free safety into covering the wrong receiver, so free safeties need to have wit alongside athleticism.

This one’s gotta be M, aka Monet St. Croix. She’s strong, fast, can fly, and is incredibly smart. Plus, some telepathy to make it very hard to fake her out. Really the whole package for this position.

Special Teams

Kicker/Punter

The kicker has two purposes – to kick field goals, which require accuracy alongside leg strength, and to perform kickoffs, which are more power oriented – you want to kick the ball as far downfield as possible, and as long as the ball lands in bounds it’s fine. There are also onside kicks, where the kicker tries to kick the ball only 10 yards down the field with the intention of their own teammates being able to pick it up rather than their opponents. The punter tries to kick the ball as far downfield as possible without it reaching the endzone – the best case scenario is for the ball to roll out of bounds at the 1 yard line.

These positions are normally played by separate people, but occasionally the same people do both. And honestly, I feel like there’s one mutant uniquely suited to both of these: Domino aka Neena Thurman. She’s already an incredibly athletic person and would have the leg strength required, but her luck powers would ensure that every field goal would make it in, and nearly every onside kick would have just the luckiest bounce to give her team the advantage. Every punt would have a lucky roll out of bounds just at the 1 yard line. Kickers and punters are skill-based positions, but Domino’s luck powers would be a more than effective substitute.

Kick Holder

Field goals require someone to hold the kick for the kicker to have a stable ball to launch into the air. This isn’t the most important position, but a bad kick holder can cost a team the game. Normally, this position is played by the backup quarterback or punter, but the punter is also the kicker and I didn’t want to do backups, so I’m making this its own entry.

Now, I’m sure she could be doing something much more valuable with her abilities than playing football or even this position, but I really think the best possible kick holder is Storm aka Ororo Munroe. Storm’s got dexterous hands from growing up as a thief in Cairo. She also has power over the weather, ensuring that the kicker has the best possible weather conditions – even without Domino’s luck, Storm’s control of the wind could ensure that near any kick could make it into the goalposts. 

And there you have it! Based on commonly accepted NFL positions and the fact that I want this team to at least still be enjoyable to watch, I have built a football team that would make Krakoa a dominant and fan-favorite team in the NFL. Would you watch this team every week as they take on clearly inferior competition? Would you get really mad at the coach for misusing players or get really heated about the playcalling? Is there any reason this team wouldn’t go 16-0 and win the Super Bowl?