Let’s play some funny games in Hellions #9, from Zeb Wells, Stephen Segovia, David Curiel, and Ariana Maher.
Liz Large: Last issue, we discovered some not-so-great Krakoan rules about robots. This issue will be the one where nothing terrible happens, right?
Austin Gorton: I mean, statistically speaking, there’s bound to be one issue without something terrible happening, right? I’m sure it’s this one; after all, we’re due.
Oh…nevermind.
Benign Betrayal
LL: It’s time for the most ominous of activities: a tea party. And not just any tea party: a fancy one, featuring two truly terrible dudes. We get to see Mastermind, who looks truly tragic in his current outfit, serving fancy tea to Mister Sinister, who apparently smells like mold. What an awful pair.
AG: Thankfully, I can only imagine what this tea party smells like and I don’t have to actually smell it (cuz it sounds terrible). Sinister’s sartorial obsession continues to be a great running gag throughout this series, whether his obsession with his own cape or his scathing observations of others’ clothes, like Mastermind’s “potato sack” here. But for all the promise of the deeply rare & expensive tea Mastermind has brought as a peace offering, in the end, this tea party is all just a ruse, as the master of illusions (without using his powers, mind) manages to poison Sinister, kicking the story into gear.
LL: I have to say, as happy as I am to see bad things happen to Sinister (very!), I almost wish he’d had more time to talk! He’s apparently been attempting to cut some sort of deal with Mastermind, and it seems as though there’s something truly… sinister happening behind the scenes with some of the former X-Villains. You know, beyond the current collection of sinister plots that we know about.
AG: Agreed! As much fun as it was to see Sinister get some comeuppance (especially after what he pulled after returning from Arakko), things cut-off just as they were getting interesting (which, of course, makes for good drama). The (brief) discussion between Sinister & Mastermind about how at least some of the former (?) villains feel about the new Krakoan status quo was intriguing, and presents an opportunity to get at the central question of this series from a different angle. The title characters are villains (most of them) seeking to become better people, or at least, have their dark urges channeled into something constructive, but there’s still an open question as to how other villains, more subtle and less overtly-homicidal ones not pressed into service, are dealing with everyone on Krakoa being theoretical pals now. Perhaps the Mastermind/Sinister convo here is meant to introduce that angle into the series. But we’ll have to wait on that, because right now, it’s time for someone to get a new set of armor.
LL: After last issue’s successful mission, Nanny now has access to her ship, and with it the ability to put Orphan Maker back into his suit. Unfortunately, it seems that her little baby boy has grown up as a result of his Arrako-based resurrection. The relationship between the two of them has never been what you’d call healthy, but it’s been fairly consistent until now. Now, he’s larger and stronger than before, and attitude-wise he’s become a surly teenager. He demands that she expand his suit–a reasonable request, if not a polite one– and Nanny basically tells him that he’s no longer her priority. She has a new little one to take care of, and it’s clear that the baby robot stowaway from last issue is her favorite child now.
AG: As the father of a newly six-year-old, Nanny’s struggles here with her suddenly-sassy & petulant “child” struck very close to home (even as, yes, it wouldn’t kill Nanny to understandably loosen up his armor a bit). I was also struck by how effectively Stephen Segovia rendered Nanny’s lab as a creepy body shop in its own right, similar to but distinct from, say, the cloning chamber appropriated by Madelyne from Sinister in the first story arc, while echoing the glimpses we got from Walt Simonson back in Nanny and Orphan Maker’s days as foes of the original X-Factor. Meanwhile, as Nanny and Orphan Maker are having their family squabble, the rest of the Hellions are engaging in a little old-fashioned team-building exercise.
LL: They’re working out in Purgatory, which is some extremely on-the-nose naming. Something I really like here is that this isn’t the Danger Room, where the team works together on one attack. They’re in one large room, but everyone here has a specialized area, whether it’s a shooting range, weights, or mannequins to attack with claws or swords. It’s a nice way for them to spend time with each other while slightly decreasing the chances of them getting on each other’s nerves and fighting. Even Empath is here, and he offers to help Alex with his weight lifting, because he’s just a nice guy now.
AG: So nice, in fact, he “helps” by nudging Alex to let his “fun” side out. This is an entertaining little sequence, one which underscores one of the themes of this issue: the Hellions are slowly but surely (and in spite of themselves) starting to come together as a group. They have their individualized training areas, but they’re still hanging out together off-mission. Even Empath is there, as you say, helping in his own inimitable way. The other fun bit here is when we find out that Wild Child is very, very horny. And not find many takers. But his romantic woes have to wait, because Sage calls the team to action in order to file a missing persons report.
One Of Your Own Is Missing
LL: Sage sets the scene for the team. There’s footage from the location, and both plant security and her own eyes confirmed it: one of their teammates has been abducted by agents of XENO. [Ed. note: The long burn villains from X-Force] But somehow, the footage was altered and the evidence was erased, and this is a major issue. The security breach here is huge– nobody should be able to do this against the combined forces of Sage’s skills/powers and their unique Krakoan systems. In my mind, this should be the foremost concern. To Sage, the Hellions needed to be alerted right away for a different reason: one of their teammates is missing!
AG: Cue reams and reams of laughter from the assembled Hellions (followed by den mother Psylocke quieting every one down once they’ve had their laughs). This is all fantastic, a great display of characterization and another indicator of how the team is slowly coming together as a group, as they (mostly) reluctantly set out to find their (ostensible) leader. The bit with the security footage being missing despite what Sage saw with her own eyes is also a really clever bit of writing on Wells’ part, something which only becomes apparent in hindsight once it becomes clear what’s really going on with Mastermind.
LL: I’m just saying, when hackers find a security flaw in a program, don’t tech companies give them a reward sometimes? Maybe we could just let these ones keep Sinister! But it’s too late for that, and as the team leaves, we get a data page from Sage, explaining the situation to the Council. Unlike what she told the team, Xavier didn’t specifically request the Hellions rescue their leader. In fact, finding missing mutants is a job for X-Factor, and her memo is specifically justifying why sending the Hellions was appropriate. In her words, the team was practically begging to go find him, and she fills her letter with flowery language that’s so unlike her (and unlike the team she’s describing) that I hope it’s sending up some red flags all over the place.
AG: That said, if writers decide they just want to use their data pages when necessary to offer up an explanation for why a story is happening in this book instead of that book, just to head off the nitpicks online, I’m all for it. Having gotten in a good laugh, the team arrives in New York, and are greeted by…Mastermind, who appears to be serving as some kind of representative of the (original, New York-based) Hellfire Club (more on the relationship between that iteration of the club and all the Hellfire stuff happening on Krakoa and in Marauders, please). He brings the Hellions into a limo, where, shortly thereafter, begins what my notes refer to as “some trippy-ass shit”.
Let The Games Begin
LL: I absolutely want to discuss all of that, but first: Nanny and Orphan Maker are now fighting, and the whole team can tell. Orphan Maker is going by “Pete” now (much cooler, as Empath says), and in the limo he heads straight for the minibar, eventually shouting that Nanny isn’t his mom when she tells him to stop. I’m pretty sure he’s just drinking soda, but still: I am very concerned about their relationship. I am even more concerned for the world, considering Pete’s massive and unknown powers. Let him have the soda! Give him whatever he wants, please!
AG: Considering the Hellions needed to spend an entire story getting him armor just so he could wake up without destroying the world, letting him have the occasional carbonated sugar water doesn’t seem like the worst trade-off (spoken, again, as the father of a six-year-old). But as the rest of the Hellions enjoy the intra-family squabble, Psylocke starts asking some questions of Mastermind, and he begins to show his hand, revealing they’re not inside a limo at all, but on a boat! Or is it a plane?!? Or are they just up in the sky aboard nothing at all, which means they hit the ground dead in a splatter of blood?!?!? Or is it all just…an illusion, performed in service of the true villain, everyone’s favorite ginger assassin…Arcade!
LL: This scene is so wonderfully creepy. Mastermind’s powers are terrifying, and he takes such clear delight in messing with the team. He asks them how long they think he’s had control, and references things that have happened in the book, from meeting with Sage this issue, to the orphanage from their first mission. While he could just know what they’ve been up to from picking up on Krakoan gossip or even the team’s minds, the idea that this whole time he may have been setting up game pieces for Arcade–and whoever hired Arcade–is such a good reveal.
AG: Speaking of reveals, this whole “reveal a classic X-Men villain as the antagonist of the story on the last page of the first issue of each (non-crossover) story” thing Wells is doing has to be a running bit at this point, right? He’s done it with Madelyne, then Cameron Hodge, and now Arcade. He’s a smart enough writer that I have to imagine it’s being done intentionally. Anyways, yes, Mastermind’s power, when depicted effectively (as it’s done here) and not just to, like, cause someone to run into a wall because they think it’s a door, is genuinely scary and adds to the singularly creepy vibe Mastermind exudes when, again, he’s handled well.
Arcade, on the other hand, is a villain with which I struggle: his schtick (kill people via elaborate carnival-themed death traps) can be refreshingly straightforward and lends itself to great comic book visuals, but the limitations of his motivations and the fact that heroes in comics are pretty much destined to survive also means he’s a perpetual failure; he likes to say no one survives in his Murderworld, except everyone does. Every time. But maybe we’ll see that change now as he’s being deployed in the post-Krakoa world for the first time. Any thoughts on Arcade?
LL: Arcade is a villain I really enjoy, if the writer and artist are prepared to fully commit to the schtick. One of my favorite stories is when he kidnaps Courtney Ross in early Excalibur, and has an entire Alice in Wonderland-themed Murderworld for the occasion–there’s a lot of fun opportunities for the characters caught in his traps to fight back in nontraditional ways, which is something I always like to see. I think he’s absolutely someone who should show up rarely, since like you point out, the heroes always escape, and he becomes a lot less scary the more he’s defeated. I think that this book is one where Arcade fits with the overall vibe, and there’s one advantage previous books he appeared in didn’t have: Arcade can kill the entire team.
X-Traneous Thoughts
- Krakoan reads ARCADE GAMES
- Mastermind is another one of those villains whose attacks on the X-Men were so deeply personal that I have a hard time imagining him being given free reign. I wonder what it’s like for Jean Grey to run into him at, say, the Green Lagoon on some random night, with those memories from the Phoenix of him bringing out her dark side and pushing her towards cosmic genocide (it also seems odd that he was apparently higher in the resurrection queue than, say, Jean’s niece & nephew who, as far as we know, are still dead despite, you know, not being indirectly responsible for the death of a planet, but allowances need to be made for dramatic needs within the story, I suppose).
- Empath, continuing to the best/worst, also calls Orphan Maker “diapers” at one point.
- This is probably NOT Miss Locke, Arcade’s traditional assistant, as I’m fairly sure she’s 1) dead and 2) not a mutant, but I can hope. He works best when he has a straight man-style character to play off of.
- My notes on the Mastermind reveal are literally just “BRO THIS IS F@#$ED UP” and I stand by that statement. The explanation of why it was easy to manipulate Sage– smart people don’t question themselves–was delivered with such perfect menace and really does not bode well for the future security of Krakoa.
Liz Large is a copywriter with a lot of opinions on mutants.
Austin Gorton also reviews older issues of X-Men at the Real Gentlemen of Leisure website, co-hosts the A Very Special episode podcast, and likes Star Wars. He lives outside Minneapolis, where sometimes, it is not cold. Follow him on Twitter @AustinGorton
