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You had high hopes for the gift-giving season. You’re known for fantastic presents among all your comics-obsessed friends who are waiting with baited breath to see what you got them. There’s only one problem: You haven’t bought anyone a goddamn thing, you totally missed Hanukkah and Christmas is almost here.
Fear not! Here are some practical solutions to help you nail those last-minute shopping dreams that will be sure to impress everyone on your list.
What you wanted to buy: A spinner rack
Your buddy Sylvester is a real slob. He leaves his comics everywhere he shouldn’t. And after seeing one too many floppies sitting in proximity to open containers on tables and countertops, you decided to buy him a spinner rack. Only, the place that makes the spinner racks is sold out and backlogged on orders well into the next year. What are you gonna do?
What you’re going to do:
Step one: Buy a lazy Susan. No, this is not a person. It is a small, round pedestal that spins. You might have used one for Scrabble at your grandmother’s house. Ooh, there we go. Go take a lazy Susan from your grandmother’s house. Next: Drill a hole into the center of the lazy Susan and insert a broom handle. Make sure you remove the broom head. Finally, take three small umbrellas, open them, flip them upside down, and one by one cut a hole in each and slide the umbrellas into place and use duct tape to secure them to the broom handle. You’ve now created a triple-tier comics holder that screams “readymade” and works to keep those comics beverage-free.
What you wanted to buy: A CGC-graded comic book
Well, you sent away your beat-up second printing of New Mutants #87 in the hopes that it would be graded soon enough to give to your Aunt Tilly, the world’s #1 fan of The Rob, but Tilly’s out of luck because those comics graders have a waitlist 10 miles long, and that sucker isn’t getting to you until next August at the earliest. What are you gonna do?
What you’re going to do:
Let’s face it, Aunt Tilly isn’t too hip to what grading entails. You’re off to Staples to buy a pack of three-ring binder sheet protectors, the kind you used back in high school to class up your size 24pt font, double-spaced research paper on The Old Man and the Sea. Get your floppy into one of those slick bad boys and seal it up with some high-quality clear packing tape. Dress up the presentation with a nice shiny sticker and a 9.8 with a Sharpie, and suddenly you’ve increased the value of your old comic by at least a thousand bucks. Will Aunt Tilly be able to read it? Not unless she wants to risk ruining the archival, airtight seal! Cool thing about this one? You can pretty much bag up anything and seal it off forever and people like it.
What you wanted to buy: A fancy omnibus
All Suzanne wanted was the latest omnibus volume of their favorite series. They even held off on buying it discounted on InStockTrades because you were adamant they’d be getting it for the holidays. Buuuut, you were a little busy the week it came out participating in your town’s annual log splitting tourney, and by the time you remembered to order it, they were sold out! What are you gonna do?
What you’re going to do:
You know the hard truth. People love to buy omnibi, and love to let them sit on a shelf and never read them. You’re going to use this to your advantage. First thing you’re going to do is head over to the local flea market and buy a bunch of old comics. Bonus points if they’re an actual run, but it doesn’t really matter. Bring ’em home and place them in a very straight pile. Next, grab one of those Amazon boxes accumulating in the corner and use a box cutter to cut it down to book cover size. Get out the ol’ hot glue gun and get to sticking those comics in there! Make sure to rip one of the covers off and stick it to the front to complete the illusion. Play it safe by wrapping the whole thing in saran wrap and stress that it’s in “mint” condition. Don’t worry, your present is bookshelf bound, never to be looked at again.
What you wanted to buy: A printed short box
Kiki finally found the last issue of the Simonson Thor run! To congratulate her, and to make sure those issues are safe and sound, you wanted to get her a short box with a wraparound Thor image. It’s the kind of box that says “I really like Thor,” because it has Thor on it. But your local comic store only has ones with the Joker and Deadpool on the sides! What are you gonna do?
What you’re going to do:
So far, we’ve played it safe, but this one calls for more drastic measures. Sure, you could use one of those Amazon boxes, but is that really the kind of security Kiki is looking for? No, we need something heavy duty for true protection. Something … metal. Go to work and, I can’t stress this enough, try to look normal. Do not attract any attention at all. Once everyone has gone home for the night, steal a drawer from the filing cabinet. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But there’s files in there!” Stay focused! Those files are not as important as Kiki’s Simonson run! You get the drawer and you use the back exit and you DO NOT LOOK BACK. Once you get the file cabinet drawer home, use your amazing artistic talents to paint Thor on the side of it. For a lid, use an old cookie sheet. No one’s getting at those comics now. And you have the rest of your life to live with the guilt of what you’ve done.
What you wanted to buy: An exclusive limited-edition action figure
Dammit! You set the alarm so you could wake up at 3 a.m. to account for the three-hour time zone difference so you’d be awake for the midnight drop of the super-exclusive 1-of-only-5,000 Snake Eyes Murder Weapon Hands Anniversary Edition action figure. And the second you clicked on the site they were SOLD OUT?! Stupid bots and eBay con artists stealing your presents. How the hell are you supposed to deliver this one-of-a-kind collectible to Herman if … no, wait. Deep breath. Here’s
What you’re going to do:
Travel by public transportation to your father’s house. Remember, the feds are on your tail for the stolen file cabinet. At least, you’re pretty sure because that car parked outside your apartment for four hours last night was not an Uber. You get to your dad’s. Try not to wake him up, he always falls asleep watching Jeopardy!, and that’s his time. He had a rough day, OK? All he wants to do is to have five minutes to himself to drink a Coors and relax. Head to his study. Yes, I mean the second bedroom that doesn’t get used since Mom left and Dad keeps all his old crap in there. Here we go. Snap the little dude off the top of Dad’s bowling trophy. This thing’s been collecting dust for ages. Tiny bowling dude easily fits in your pocket, so if your dad wakes up, you can just say you were getting something out from your stuff. It’s OK — he’s not gonna wake up. He’s snoring like a hippo. Find a nice open area and cover little bowling dude with black spray paint. If Herman asks about the bowling ball, say it’s Snake Eyes’ ninja mace. It’s special cuz it doesn’t have a stick. Or a chain. Or … spikes. It’s just a ball. A … ninja ball.
And voila! Just like that, you’ve made the ones closest to you the happiest and most suspicious they’ve been all year. Try to be gracious when their gifts aren’t half as thoughtful. Happy holidays to you, your family and the creepy guy in the car who is definitely not an Uber driver!
Adam Reck is the cartoonist behind Bish & Jubez as well as the co-host of Battle Of The Atom.
