Dirty Secrets The X-Men Vote Candidates Don’t Want You To Know

With the candidates announced and polls open for the 2022 X-Men Election, we here at ComicsXF want to ensure an informed electorate. After all, democracy dies in darkness. Our crack team of investigators has found some truly shocking things about this round of candidates.

Penance: Identity Theft

Monet St. Croix touts herself as a near-perfect mutant specimen, but did she gain that perfection at the expense of her family? Our investigation has uncovered that many of Monet’s academic achievements at the prestigious Massachusetts Academy were actually performed by her younger sisters Claudette & Nichole, who somehow disguised themselves as Monet. Given the impact of the 2019 college admissions scandal, can a voting public accept such dishonestly from their X-Men?

Siryn: Destruction Of The World Trade Center (Not 9/11)

The daughter of famed X-Man Banshee, Theresa Cassidy, comes from a much darker background. She was a known accomplice of terrorists “Black” Tom Cassidy (Dracula) and Cain Marko (Juggernaut). She was present when Cassidy and Marko destroyed the World Trade Center in New York City. Now, it is critical to remember that this was a separate, unrelated event to the 9/11 attacks, where Marko was also seen, but this time shedding tears at Ground Zero. Still, can Siryn be trusted if this is the company she keeps?

Armor: Underage Drinking

The only candidate to run again after losing last year, Hisako Ichiki has been reported to have quite the taste for spirits. As a student at the Jean Grey School, she was seen engaging in Danger Room exercises with cans of what appears to have been Miller High Life, stolen from the personal collection of the Wolverine. She was reportedly so out of it, that she asked another student, “Are you a beer?” If she cannot control her inhibitions for the bottle, can she control them on the battlefield?

Surge: Bigotry

Noriko Ashida may be known as a leader in a young generation of X-Men, but that leadership came with intolerance. Students have claimed the girl was racist and dismissive of her Muslim roommates’ customs, mocking her religious and cultural practices. There’s not really a joke here, it’s just pretty messed up that the X-Men had a hero who was outwardly bigoted and no one did anything about it!

Bling!: Exclamation Point

Roxy Washington has known fame since a young age, thanks to her rap royalty parents. While she has often tried to outrun her youth, one spectre continues to haunt her, her code name: Bling! The definite exclamation point is among the tackiest choices any marketer could make. Even Panic! At The Disco, her inspiration dropped, the punctuation after their landmark, if overrated, first album. Can the X-Men bear a member whose code name is so atrocious?

Avalanche: Destruction Of The Eiffel Tower

A truly bizarre entrant, Dominikos Petrakis has spent most of his adult life as a mercenary working for the United States government and her enemies abroad. Petrakis can only be described by his achievements, the largest his destruction of the Eiffel Tower. Could you sleep well knowing a member of the X-Men single-handedly ruined Gustave Eiffel’s crowing achievement? In the beautiful words of the French, non.

Gentle: A Child Of The Enemies

Nezhno Abidemi claims to be the first X-Man to hail from Wakanda, but we have uncovered a much more troubling detail of his origin. Abidemi is also a child of Russia. While Wakanda has not agreed to Krakoa’s terms, they have voluntarily recognized their statehood. Anonymous sources from the intelligence community identify Russia as the most significant foreign threat to Krakoan independence. Though Russian-born Piotr Rasputin does serve on the Quiet Council, he has proven himself to be a trustworthy and loyal citizen of mutantkind. Gentle, has done no such thing. Can he be trusted with the position of X-Man? How can the good people know he won’t be sending secrets back to Russia?

Firestar: Cop

While Angelica Jones is described as an “amazing friend,” she has consistently chosen humans over mutants. After leaving the prestigious Massachusetts Academy, she became a member of the irresponsible teen hero squad the New Warriors before graduating to the Avengers. Jones served a short role as a teacher at the Jean Grey School but has spent most of her life rejecting her mutant heritage. She has never been to Krakoa. Should the X-Men welcome a cop like her into their ranks?

Gorgon: Nazi

This one is hard to sugarcoat. Tomi Shishido is a Nazi and not just one in the way that some people are Nazis because there was a shitty mid-00s Frank Tieri comic that said it in an offhand remark. Shishido led Hydra, replacing their leader Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker after literally cucking him. He served on Hydra’s high council until he joined Krakoa as a Great Captain, the personal bodyguard to its leaders. We didn’t need to dig up any dirt on him. Honestly he will just tell you he is a Nazi.

Micromax: Also A Cop, But Actively Bad At It

Like Jones, Scott Wright is also a cop but cannot even take credit for being a particularly effective one. He has floated in and out of FI6, RCX, O*N*E, and more, leaving each because he is simply a flawed superhero. Slices of Wonderbread have more personality. I can’t keep up the bit anymore, please;  if he is the apparent meme pick, no one needs a whole year where we aren’t allowed to forget about Micromax.

Zachary Jenkins

Zachary Jenkins co-hosts the podcast Battle of the Atom and is the former editor-in-chief of ComicsXF. Shocking everyone, he has a full and vibrant life outside all this.