Which X-Men are which Minnesota State Fair foods?

Every year, in the waning days of summer, Minnesotans gather for the “Great Minnesota Get Together,” aka the Minnesota State Fair. For “12 days of fun ending Labor Day,” this bacchanalia of agriculture and arts, culture and community, and food —  the whackier and deeper-fried the better — defines the local zeitgeist. This year, in the wake of one of my visits in which I winged pictures and thoughts regarding the food I was consuming across social media, CXF Editor-in-Chief Dan Grote challenged me, in the spirit of the great “Which Mutant is Which Craveable Taco Bell Menu Item” piece, to compare X-Men to fair foods. Never one to back down from a challenge or, more importantly, miss an opportunity to write about two of my favorite things — the X-Men and ridiculous deep-fried food — I graciously accepted. 

Professor X — Cheese Curds

Cheese curds are perhaps the quintessential state fair food, the ur-“let’s batter something and deep fry it!” food, without which later, zanier permutations of the concept wouldn’t exist. Just as cheese curds are foundational to state fair cuisine, so too would we not have any X-Men without Charles Xavier. 

MN State Fair Fun Fact: The first Minnesota State Fair was held in 1859, just one year after Minnesota became a state, but its origins predate statehood to the founding of the Minnesota Agricultural Society in 1854, which held four annual fairs before the first official “state” fair. 

Magneto — Pickle Dog

This pickle slathered with cream cheese and wrapped in pastrami is layered and powerful, just like the master of magnetism. Plus, it makes for a refreshing counterbalance to all the deep-fried food inspired by Xavier’s cheese curds. 

MN State Fair Fun Fact: Since it was first held, the fair has only been canceled six times: in 1861 and 1862 due to the Civil War and conflict with the Dakota tribes in southern Minnesota, 1893 because of the World’s Fair in Chicago, 1945 due to World War II complications, 1946 due to a polio outbreak, and 2020 because of the COVID-19 pandemic. 

Cyclops & Storm — Corn Dog & Pronto pup

Much like the question of “who is the better leader of the X-Men?” can drive X-fans batty, in Minnesota, one of the few things that will actually turn neighbor against neighbor (we have this thing called “Minnesota Nice” where we don’t actually get mad at each other, we just bottle it up and then talk bad about each other behind closed doors) is the eternal battle between which fried hot dog is the best. On the one side, you have the corn dog, with its slightly more savory, slightly more gritty cornmeal batter. On the other, the pronto pup, with its crispier, slightly sweeter, wheat-based batter. I am a corn dog man myself, but I will concede that the pronto pup is superior in one way: When you order one, they paint your condiment of choice (mustard, ofc) onto the dog with a brush, whereas the corn dog stands merely leave an open bottle of French’s yellow out next to the napkins for you to squirt on yourself. 

MN State Fair Fun Fact: The current fairgrounds comprise 322 acres. They were established in 1885, after Minneapolis and St. Paul spent much of the 1870s holding competing state fairs. 

Wolverine — Mexican Hat Super Soft Taco

Wolverine, you may have heard, is the best there is at what he does. Through the years, I’ve tried every taco served at the State Fair, and the Super Soft Taco from Mexican Hat remains the best. More Tex-Mex than an authentic taco, it hits just the right amount of heat in a burrito-sized serving. It’s the only food item I get on every visit to the fair — a ubiquity only Wolverine can match. 

MN State Fair Fun Fact: The Tilt-a-Whirl was created by Minnesotan Herbert Sellner and debuted at the 1926 fair.

Phoenix — Roasted Sweet Corn

One of the highest-grossing stands at the fair, the power of the roasted corn cob cannot be understated. Roasted in the husks, then shucked and dipped in melted butter, fire transforms this simple starchy vegetable into something salty, sweet and delicious. Plus, the entire booth is ringed with compost bins for the disposal of the cobs, a real circle of life/death/rebirth kind of thing that seems appropriate for Jean.

MN State Fair Fun Fact: Approximately 25,000 ears of corn are consumed daily. 

Nightcrawler — Big Fat Bacon

Who doesn’t love bacon? Who doesn’t love Nightcrawler? But what really makes this offering Nightcrawler’s is the way it takes something delightful and puts it on a stick. In the words of CXF contributor Dr. Anna Peppard, that’s maximum portability for a very portable guy. 

MN State Fair Fun Fact: The single-day attendance record is 270,426 people on Sept. 1, 2018 (I was there). 

Emma Frost — Wine Slushie 

The Minnesota Wine Country building is the one-stop-shop for lovers of local MN wine at the fair. What is more Emma Frost than a cool, elegant slushie with a bit of a kick? 

MN State Fair Fun Fact: The highest attendance for the entire duration of the fair is 2,126,551, set in 2019. 

Kitty Pryde — Chocolate Malt

A family-friendly alternative to the wine slushie, the rich and elegant-in-their-own-way malts inside the Dairy Building (which is also where the Princess Kay butter heads are stored) represent the best ice cream treats at the fair, a suitable representation for the X-man with suburban Midwest roots. 

MN State Fair Fun Fact: The State Fair of Texas is technically considered the largest state fair in the country by attendance, though it runs 24 days to Minnesota’s 12. The Minnesota State Fair is the largest by average daily attendance. I guess not everything is bigger in Texas.

Magik — Mini Donuts 

The best mini donuts at the fair are from Tom Thumb, and they are best when consumed fresh, piping hotter than the fires of Limbo, from the delightful little machine that squirts dots of batter into a river of frying oil. So consumed, these little stepping discs of sugary dough will teleport you someplace wonderful, every time.

MN State Fair Fun Fact: For the 12 days of the fair, Falcon Heights, the city in which the fairgrounds reside, becomes the third largest city in Minnesota (after Minneapolis and St. Paul). 

Rogue — Fresh-Squeezed Lemonade

There are plenty of Southern-inspired fair foods that seem appropriate for Rogue: Nashville hot chicken, fried green tomatoes, deep-fried alligator. Instead, I’m going to zag a bit and argue that Rogue is best represented by a seemingly simple glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade. When done right, it’s a little bit sweet and a little bit tart, just like Rogue. It’s also less flashy than some other fair foods, yet a staple food nonetheless, just as Rogue has, somewhat quietly, become one of the bedrock X-Men over the years. 

Plus, it comes in a dill pickle variety. 

MN State Fair Fun Fact: Approximately 220 different events (including comic book conventions!) are held on the fairgrounds outside of the 12 days of the fair. 

Gambit — Deep-Fried Pickles

Once upon a time, deep-fried pickles were the trendy new food item at the State Fair, growing quickly out of a small stand inside the food building to two large, freestanding buildings at either end of the fairgrounds. Much like how Gambit burst onto the scene as the kewl new mystery character before settling in as a ubiquitous and foundational member of the X-Men, deep-fried pickles remain a steadfast — if less trendy — offering. 

Also, you can get them with cajun seasoning. 

MN State Fair Fun Fact: The oldest amusement at the fair is the Ye Old Mill ride (basically a poor man’s It’s a Small World), which began operating in 1915.

Colossus — Pork Chop On A Stick

Pork chop on a stick is like the X-Men’s pre-eminent strong guy: big, meaty and simple. 

MN State Fair Fun Fact: While serving as vice president, Teddy Roosevelt delivered his famous “speak softly and carry a big stick” speech at the state fair grandstand. 

Archangel — Deep-Fried Twinkie 

Take the light, spongy Twinkie, then dip it in batter and deep fry it to make something that’ll hit your cholesterol levels like an armored flechette? I’d sell my soul to Apocalypse for one. 

MN State Fair Fun Fact: Legendary pacer horse Dan Patch set the world record for a one-mile run at the grandstand; the record stood for more than 30 years. 

Bishop — Dippin’ Dots 

For those not in the know, Dippin’ Dots are the “ice cream of the future,” as imagined by people in the 1980s (Basically, it’s ice cream made with liquid nitrogen). This seems roughly analogous to Bishop, a character who is both from the future and, despite 30+ years of subsequent history, still connected to the era in which he first appeared. 

MN State Fair Fun Fact: As of this writing, Christina Aguilera holds the record for the most tickets sold to a grandstand show at the fair when she performed in 2000. Prince never performed at the fair. 

Cable — Buffalo Chicken Cheese Curd Taco

The X-Men’s other time-traveling collection of ’90s tropes is best represented by the new-this-year buffalo chicken cheese curd taco. Cable has come to encompass a whole bunch of different tropes and influences: a collection of “big gun” stereotypes, the son of Cyclops and Madelyne Pryor, a chosen one destined to defeat Apocalypse, a soldier of fortune, father and protector of Hope, etc. Similarly, the buffalo chicken cheese curd taco has everything, a wild cacophony of flavors and textures, and somehow still works. 

MN State Fair Fun Fact: In 1902, the St. Paul and Minneapolis school boards pushed the opening day of school back to the Monday after the state fair, stating there was “more to be learned in a single day at the fair than in double the time at school or college.”

Jubilee — Garlic Fries

We all know a mall babe eats chili fries, but at the Minnesota State Fair, the fries of choice (at least for me) are the garlic fries from the Ballpark Cafe, a great place to grab a beverage, a pile of fries and watch part of a ball game (baseball, of course). Fries AND TV? Jubilee would approve. 

MN State Fair Fun Fact: The oldest still-in-operation food concession is the Hamline Church Dining Hall, which began operating in 1897. 

Deadpool — Sweet Martha’s Cookies

Like Deadpool, there’s nothing wrong with Sweet Martha’s Cookies. It’s just that a little of both go a long way, yet the masses can’t seem to get enough. Deadpool & Wolverine has grossed several gazillion dollars, and Sweet Martha’s remains one of the most popular fair food attractions, hosting a mob of people at nearly all times — but especially toward the end of the night, as people scramble to get the spilling-over-the-sides buckets of cookies to bring home. Look, I’m not a monster; Deadpool can be a hoot, and I love a good chocolate chip cookie. But both are best in moderation.  

MN State Fair Fun Fact: Sweet Martha’s can produce 3 million cookies in one day.

Bill the Lobster — Loaded Lobster Fries

Too soon?