Premium Himbo Content As Chaos Reigns In Empyre: X-Men #2

Empyre burns on as the situation on Genosha gets messier and messier. Hordeculture and some demons join the zombies and plant aliens as Gerry Duggan, Ben Percy, Leah Williams, Lucas Werneck, and Nolan Woodard present Empyre: X-Men #2.

Nola Pfau: Allison. Warren.

Allison Senecal: Nola. WARREN. The hair.

NP: The hair. The himbo. The legend.

AS: This was pretty much a thirst issue, and that’s ok. I know you have something serious you want to go in on later, but my brain is empty.

NP: If I felt like the first issue’s Warren content was targeted directly at us, this one felt like the X-offices had our GPS coordinates and laser precision. It was…a lot. Should we just scream about Warren first and then see what else there is after we get that out of our systems?

AS: YES, let us away to the premium himbo content.

Warren.

NP: Look, I will give the Only Good Billionaire credit here, when Hordeculture starts objectifying him, he leans into it and tries a charm offensive. It doesn’t work, because he’s dealing with weird old terrorist ladies, but he tries.

AS: Good old-fashioned “charm first, maybe we’ll be around to ask questions later” Warren, which is kinda a relief, since we’ve been used to a decade of “oh no I’m slightly stressed out, time for Archangel” Warren. Pfoo!

NP: Of course, he immediately follows this up by getting doused with pheromones a la Poison Ivy, at which point after having already introduced himself as Angel, he gives his birth name. Honestly I’m shocked he didn’t provide a social security number and a bank account.

AS: Just hands over his American Express Black Card. I was really hoping his rendition of “Sweet Caroline” would continue through the whole issue. His voice must be as grand as the rest of him, let’s be real. At least he’s still useful and the pheromone blast didn’t take him out of the plot too much, as I feared it might. Then we get that delicious pollen sequence, but really just a good excuse to ogle Warren some more, and then that pin-up page for good measure. Love that for us.

NP: Oh, likewise, I’m sure his singing voice is…angelic.

It really was good for us, and on a more direct note, it’s really good to see Warren in the field, with his regular feathered wings, being useful? There’s a lot of dismissive attitude toward this version of him, questioning his usefulness, and I really appreciate writers and artists who take the time to disprove that.

AS: Same. I love this version. If that’s really the only long-lasting development we get from this series, I’m a-ok with that, especially after they tackled it head-on with the Xavier conversation in the last issue. Just let him be, and let him do what he’s good at: being rich, hot, and generally kind. Archangel has been run cyclically into the ground, so I will shout at the X-office as much is needed that this is GOOD.

NP: Same! Just like I will shout that we NEED THAT X-CORP BOOK, MARVEL.

Now, let’s see…what else? I guess there’s a plot to talk about?

Not Warren.

AS: I dunno if it’s “plot”, but there is Yana’s booty. And battle armor. This is a less spiky, less goth version of the “blackguard” look I’d like to see her sporting as her main costume?

NP: There is booty, that’s true. Our editor referred to it as a “chaos issue” during discussion and I think that’s apt, but doesn’t…quite encompass the real meat of what’s going on? Hordeculture appears to be on scene in order to capture samples of the Cotati. Why or for what we’re not really sure, but their expertise is at least useful here, insufferable as they are. There’s a lot of escalation, as things go from a regular fight to some kind of giant seed pod that traps both Jamie Madrox and Monet inside. Monet tries to psionically attack a plant?

AS: The only good thing about Hordeculture is them serving as a stand-in for my Warren thoughts. But yeah, maybe Monet should have punched the seed pod instead. Or I liked her earlier idea of just having Sunfire roast the whole place. M getting knocked out does trigger Yana’s plan involving all of Krakoa’s resident psychics. I didn’t quite catch what was going on with that. Krakoa feeds off telepaths? Is that the residual energy stuff from HOXPOX?

NP: It’s definitely weird that there aren’t a slew of pyrokines on hand here, but I suppose that’s part of why they worked to disable the Krakoan gate so quickly. And yes! That’s the residual energy stuff. The idea being that with so many mutants on hand, Krakoa can take a tiny bit from each instead of sucking a few hosts dry, like Hordeculture wants to do to Warren. (AS: #$%&) [Ed. note: #$%&] I think what happened here was that Krakoa needed a large amount of energy in short order to attempt the toxic root thing, and it drew from the nearest available source, i.e. Monet.

AS: I did say I was very “no thoughts, head empty”. That makes a ton of sense. You and I both don’t care much about Hordeculture, but I am curious as to why Monet’s powers don’t work on them. I assume some kind of chemical thing they’ve developed, but good to file for future reference, when they aren’t allies. I don’t remember that coming up with Emma before, but I also tried to forget that issue as quickly as possible. Anyways, Black Tom’s creepy little pollen homunculus, huh? I love this use of his powers. I skim X-Force, so not sure if he’s done anything like this over there, but now I guess I love Black Tom, just like everyone else.

NP: I’m admittedly not super up on my Black Tom history; I remember the original arc where he appeared, and I remember his early 90s appearance in the Deadpool mini, but this definitely seems like a significant power upgrade from the “blasts people with his shillelagh” Tom of yore. I like it, though; it’s a good evolution for him, and it lets him be weird in a fun way. Do you think he and Storm talk plants in their downtime? I bet they do.

Speaking of plants, the giant seedpod thing appears to be the Cotati’s attempt to salvage a situation quickly gone south; one of them even says something to a zombie akin to “wait one day, bigger than before,” which I guess is fitting since Yana thinks the thing is an egg at first. It all builds to that last-minute telepath plan, and whew. Let’s talk about that.

Still Not Warren.

AS: That last page sure does have a LOT going on, huh? Some usuals, like Quire and the Cuckoos. Some “former” baddies we knew were around Krakoa, but hadn’t seen much of like Lady Mastermind and Selene. And then the one I entirely glossed over, but who you noticed immediately…

NP: Mother-#@$&in’ Amahl Farouk, aka THE SHADOW KING. I don’t think we had confirmation before this that he was on Krakoa? Editors? [Ed. note: His fez was in The Green Lagoon but otherwise, no] Either way, it seems like a REALLY bad idea. Farouk isn’t like •┤Ȧ├•, he doesn’t have a kind of misguided ethos where he’s attempting to prepare the planet for something. He’s just evil. He takes over people’s bodies without consent and he uses them like husks. Wears them out, lets them die. He’s only ever concerned with himself, and has never once had a goal that went beyond that. I don’t really want to advocate for the ethics of Krakoa’s carceral state, because that’s a….thorny conversation…but if Sabretooth is in the pit, it really seems like Shadow King should be even more?

AS: Just like….RIGHT to the pit. Also, wasn’t he dead? Or am I misremembering? I thought the Soule Astonishing run did that. [Ed. note: Oh who remembers?] That brings up another layer of “what the %$#&” because it means he got a cushy spot in the resurrection queue. SOMEHOW.

NP: I guess I buy a cushy spot based on raw power, but even then, it’s not like he and Xavier have played nicely in the past? And are we really meant to believe that Xavier, when confronted with a threat as uniquely existential as Farouk, then backed his psyche up in Cerebro? Like I said. It’s a bad idea. Something isn’t quiiiiite adding up here. Still, if the X-Men had good ideas, they wouldn’t be the X-Men. At any rate, I’m much more invested in the idea of issue three than I was this one, so that’s a nice upswing.

AS: Agreed. This ending gives us a little more plot meat to work with. Instead of just anticipating endless hordes of plants versus zombies, and Hordeculture being terrible. This is one series, along with the main Empyre one, that benefits from the squished Covid schedule. Not sure I’d be enjoying this ride with longer gaps in-between. The writer telephone game works a bit better with the brisk release.