I keep telling myself “I’m not a Toy Guy.” And yet despite this mantra, a variety of things you would definitely call toys keep entering my online shopping cart. Be they LEGO sets, the occasional X-Men Funko Pop or Marvel Legends action figures, I inevitably keep getting suckered into purchasing these things that serve mainly as display pieces on my increasingly crowded office desk, ready to fall over at a moment’s notice.
But how could I resist the Ultimate X-Spanse? A surprise to many last year, Hasbro opened up pre-sales for an X-Men-themed Transformer! Similar to its predecessor, the transforming Ghostbusters Ecto-1, the X-Spanse takes the most recognizable vehicle from the X-Men universe, the SR-71 Blackbird, and allows you to turn it into a giant toy robot. Combining two of my childhood loves like this was diabolically calculated, and yet I couldn’t resist plopping down a whopping $65 plus shipping and handling for it a good four months before it came to my house.
And when it did? I had forgotten I even ordered it! Jumbled in with a few other Amazon items, I didn’t even have the wherewithal to get excited until I realized what it was. Once out of the Target box, it is a beauty to behold. Hasbro wisely mimicked the packaging style of the 90s Toy Biz X-Men toys, from the color scheme right down to the font. The box also features gorgeous artwork from fan favorite David Nakayama of the X-Spanse in robot form, ready to . . . I dunno, fight something I guess.
What’s inside? Well, for $65, you get the Transformer, some accessories, and a tiny Sabretooth and Wolverine (my Wolverine had a very odd paint job on its head, but god knows who had that job. You’re forgiven), battle-ready in combat poses.
It also comes with something vital that I didn’t realize I would need: an instruction booklet. This took me aback recalling the relative ease of manipulating G1 Transformers into their robot selves, but dang if I wasn’t happy to have all 30-odd steps on paper, or I don’t think I ever would have gotten X-Spanse from Jet to Cyclops-looking-robot warrior.
Transforming the X-Spanse was an adventure to say the least. Either I am stupid or the pictured instructions were too tiny for my old man eyes, but I felt very close to breaking the X-Spanse at almost every turn, twist, and click. After flipping the Blackbird over, I quickly started pulling pieces apart, unsure if they could ever be put back together again.
The instructions have you start with the legs, and right off the bat I thought the little hinged joints were ready to snap. This was mainly due to my uncertainty, not the quality of the toy. Because it turns out to effectively do the process correctly, you do have to apply a little force. I guess I lucked out on what I was pushing into place.
I think it idiotically took me a full ten minutes just to turn the Blackbird into a walking dagger. I wondered to myself whether this should be taking as long as it was. Was I having a typical user experience? Had Transformers just been getting gradually more complex since the 80s and I was behind the times? Were there Transformer-transforming-wizards out there who would have been able to do this way faster, maybe even without the instructions?
My loveable cat, Noodle, sensing my insecurity, stepped in to check things out. After a brief inspection of my handiwork she gave the all clear to continue. Her approval was all the motivation I needed to start snapping the back of this thing open like a freakin’ lobster claw. Suddenly arms emerged, a familiar optic visor popped into view and before I knew it, after further consternation with the hands and back apparatus respectively snapping into place, the Ultimate X-Spanse stood proudly before me.
Once in its final form, the X-Spanse is a pretty cool robot. It comes with a hot pink psychic knife and Wolvie claws, just to increase your confusion over who this character is supposed to be. It is unfair to X-Spanse to want him to “be” Cyclops. After all, despite the marketing gimmick of it being an amalgam of two beloved franchises, X-Spanse is its own Transformer character, presumably Autobot, though the only symbol he wields is the X. The transformed X-Spanse is pretty big, too! Here it is hanging out with its new buds, Bishop and Jubilee. It makes friends fast, the true mark of a good toy.
As a matter of protocol, it was also super important that X-Spanse meet his buddy and workplace supervisor, Optimus Prime. Optimus said he would catch X-Spanse up on some work training videos about the AllSpark and the dangers of Scraplets later once X-Spanse had a chance to get acclimated.
And so, after about 20 minutes of worried clicking and clacking, the Ultimate X-Spanse stands tall, enjoying his new homelife. The Hasbro website’s promo photos have it in all sorts of action poses, but I’m not so sure I’m ready to send X-Spanse to yoga class quite yet. Time will tell. In terms of sheer playability, I don’t know if I would describe the transformation process as fun, per se, summed up by the fact that I don’t know if I have the confidence to reverse course and try to transform it back into the Blackbird. But it is fascinating, especially for a luddite like myself who hasn’t bought a new Transformer since middle school. And I’m glad I did. X-Spanse’s final look is cool enough that he makes a wonderful addition to what I guess I’m calling my collection. Would it be too much to keep the box?
Adam Reck is the cartoonist behind Bish & Jubez as well as the co-host of Battle Of The Atom.
