Insufferable shitbag billionaire Elon Musk is hosting Saturday Night Live this week, and that stinks. The only thing we can figure is that series producer Lorne Michaels is out of ideas, so for next year (even though the final episodes of this season have great hosts in Keegan-Michael Key and Anya Taylor-Joy) we’ve booked all of season 47’s guests to spare us any more of this bullshit.
Will Nevin: Musk hosting SNL chaps my fuckin’ ass. It would be one thing if he was just an extremely online idiot or a parachuting comedy dilettante. But I’ve seen oozing boils with more charisma, and he doesn’t seem remotely prepared for this. It’s a downer wrapped in shit and packaged with the ignorant enthusiasm that makes “eat the rich” seem like a mild policy suggestion.
Justin Partridge: Hi hey hello, I just want to start off by saying, FUCK a bunch of Elon Musk, and I have been an SNL obsessive for basically the entire time I’ve been alive, so I am so beyond pleased as punch to be included in this oddly cathartic exercise.
Andrea Ayres: Growing up I wanted one of two things: to be on SNL or to be president of the United States. The latter is likely not an option due to a particularly debaucherous 20s. Still, SNL has always held a special place in my heart, even if it makes me mostly cringe now. There are some slow burners; Kyle Mooney is probably one of my favorite cast members of this generation.
I idolized Molly Shannon growing up. She was my comedic blueprint. I don’t think I actually had a personality growing up. I was just doing impressions of Molly Shannon impressions. I’m excited to do this because I am finally among people who have most likely uttered the sentence “Hey, that reminds me of this one SNL skit…”
WN: SNL usually doesn’t go this wrong, unless we’re talking that shitty call that got Donnie Trump a hosting gig in 2015. (The cast’s complaints regarding working with Trump then have at least gotten them an opt-out now.) If you study the type of person who gets the chance to goof with the SNL cast, the good ones — the watchable ones who don’t drag down the whole damn show — fall into the same general categories, categories that we’ve used (and added to) to plot out the idealized 2021-22 season 47:
- Former Cast Members (capped in our exercise at four)
- Examples from this year: Chris Rock, John Mulaney (SNL writers count here), Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph
- Comedic Actors/Actresses/Entertainers Who Should Be Good at This (three)
- Bill Burr, Dave Chappelle, Jason Bateman, John Krasinski, Dan Levy
- Prestige/Serious Actors/Actresses Here to Play-Off Type (four)
- Timothee Chalamet, Daniel Kaluuya, Carey Mulligan
- Wildcards Who Better Have Some Measure of Comedic Talent, I Mean, Please (three)
- Adele, Nick Jonas
- Folks Who Could Use a Goddamned Shot Since The Other Four Categories Are Full of Straight White Men (seven)
- Issa Rae, Regina King, Rege-Jean Page
Aside from these categories and caps, our only other rule is that we’re trying to work within the realities of corporate media and who would reasonably pick up the phone for SNL. (For example, Stephen Colbert — a leading talent for CBS — didn’t make the list under the former, and Barack Obama didn’t make it under the latter.)
And one more thing before we get started. As a warmup, let’s add a Michael McKean-type to the cast — an established comedy talent who can immediately add a ton to the show. I’ll be honest; I’m in love with my idea.
John C. Reilly.
How cool would that be?
JP: Honestly, I think about this question a lot and I still come back to the wonderful Earth in which Donald Glover was added to the cast after his now slightly infamous audition. It would have taken him from Greendale a few years earlier, but I think SNL would have benefitted from him both in front of the camera AND in the writer’s room for sure.
WN: Now, let’s move on to season 47.
Hosts we considered but ultimately passed on for some reason or another, mostly because we couldn’t get everyone we wanted into a single season: Rihanna, Tom Hanks, Dana Carvey, Justin Timberlake, Dwayne Johnson, Bill Hader, Andy Samberg, Lady Gaga and, like, a thousand other people better than Elon Musk.
S47E01, Sept. 25: Zazie Beets (Comedic)
MUUUSICAL GUEST: Lil Nas X!
JP: So, you have to start out with a banger, right? Who else is providing that better than Domino?!
I mentioned Donald Glover above, but during Atlanta, Zazie is the one that is usually sprinting away with the episodes. She even straight up is the FOCUS of two of the show’s best efforts, “Junteenth” and “Helen,” wherein her character Van gets tremendous showcases both of Beets’ comedic timing and genuine magnetism in front of a camera. Plus you absolutely know the musical segments would be actually FUN to watch for once as they are usually kind of droll or slightly morbidly fascinating when they go wrong.
WN: Lil Nas X is the last musical guest of season 46, but fuck it: We’re bringing him back just so Fox News will do another week of segments on him.
S47E02, Oct. 2: Jason Sudeikis (Former Cast Member) MUUUSICAL Guest: Marcus Mumford!
WN: This is just about when Ted Lasso season 2 will wrap, and Sudeikis is due to host. And folks, I’m ready to have a good Joe Biden impression back on the show.
JP: I honestly think it’s insane that Sudeikis HASN’T come back to 8-H yet, aside from a few bit parts here and there (like the return of “What’s UP Wit’ Dat?!” during the first SNL At Home episode, post-NYC lockdown). I know his leading man movie career never really got off the ground and he’s now found a glorious sweet-spot with Ted Lasso (seriously, y’all, it’s the real deal), but he’s always welcome as a host in my book.
If only for the possible return of The Californians or The Assholes (which would also bring back our beloved Kristen Wiig).
AA: I’ve gone through so many different MOODS with Sudeikis. From loathe, to like, to kind of love? I am a fickle person. I would love to see him come back.
S47E03, Oct. 9: Mads Mikkelsen (Prestige)
MUUUSICAL GUEST: Nine Inch Nails!
JP: This one might be a little “blue sky,” but I kinda don’t even care.
We all love Mads and also know that he can be screamingly funny when he wants to be. But I even feel like beyond that his newfound Oscar clout, having been nominated for his affecting performance in Another Round, gives him a weird air of dramatic authority that could be fun to work with. We ALSO know he’s not afraid to make himself look silly and that he will commit one million percent of the time even to the most outlandish of things.
WN: He’s got the chops to be a serious actor, but he’s also quirky as hell — perfect fit for the show.
S47E04, Oct. 30: Elvira (Comedic)
MUUUUSICAL GUEST: Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds!
Special guests: Tom Hanks, Robert Englund, Tobin Bell, Jamie Lee Curtis
JP: So, okay, this one might be slightly weird. But I’ve ALWAYS wanted SNL to do just a straight up Halloween Special. They have gotten close to it with The David S. Pumpkins animated special (which is actually really funny and genuinely unhinged) and a few cult moments on the show (like the time they all started randomly wearing the Bee costumes in the background of sketches culminating in them ALL saying the goodnights in Bee costumes, but never calling attention to it), SO BETTER than The Mistress of the Dark to finally give them one!
WN: This is some off-the-board thinking, J-man, but I don’t hate it. I do think, though, we need to go with the “Betty White and friends” approach and bring on some guests to fill out the show. Also, I really want David S. Pumpkins back.
S47E05, Nov. 13: Naomi Ekperigin (Give ‘Em A Goddamn Shot) MUUUSICAL GUEST: Kero Kero Bonito!
AA: Listen, if you don’t know who Naomi Ekperigin is, you better get knowing. She’s the host of the podcast Couples Therapy and can be seen on the Apple+ show Mythic Quest. Ekperigin is someone who can do with words what I only dream of. She creates catchy words, phrases and distills cultural moments with an incredibly deft hand. A comedian from New York, she’s also done writing for shows like Broad City and is a regular guest on the Pod Save America show, Hysteria. Not only does Naomi deserve this, she would fucking own.
JP: OH MY GOD I LOVE MYTHIC QUEST! I went into it expecting a fun lark and got some genuinely hysterical commentary on game culture and the insanity of game development. Super, super into this as I just love when character performers get a chance to show out like this.
Plus, Kiro Kiro Bonito just rules.
S47E06, Nov. 20: Tilda Swinton (Prestige)
MUUUSICAL GUEST: Fiona Apple!
JP: So, okay. I have A Type, clearly.
BUT CMON, how fun would this be?! Fetch The Bolt Cutters is a genuine masterpiece and anyone who has seen Swinton’s incredible cameo in What We Do in the Shadows knows she can handle the absurd.
We need this. The WORLD needs this.
AA: Oh Justin. This would be classic. Fiona Apple as a musical guest? Inspired.
S47E07, Dec. 4: Olivia Colman (Give ‘Em A Goddamn Shot) MUUUSICAL GUEST: Wargasam!
AA: Are you kidding, like this one is so obvious I can’t even stand it. Seeing Colman’s appearances on The Graham Norton show should be all the evidence you need. This woman can do everything. The Academy-Award winning actress for The Favourite is comfortable in whatever role she’s thrown into. She’s quick, and she knows how to take the piss out of people. Also, we cannot forget Colman in the Britcom Peep Show as Sophie. I mean, we absolutely cannot.
JP: God she’s so funny on Peep Show. And it’s been interesting to see her ascent into Oscar conversations mainly knowing her as the “MUUURRDURRRR” lady from Hot Fuzz and the immensely charming Detective MILLAH on Broadchurch. Also as Fleabag’s terrible new stepmom. I would truly love for her to get a chance to be fully silly again on American TV.
S47E08, Dec. 11: Pedro Pascal (Prestige)
MUUSICAL GUEST: Au Revoir Simone!
JP: Speaking of something the world needs. You can’t tell me Mando wouldn’t be incredible on SNL. I honestly don’t even feel like I have to sell this one that hard! You know him. You love him. You wanna see more of him! Or at least I do.
S47E09, Dec. 18: Tig Notaro (Comedic)
MUUSICAL GUEST: Brittany Howard!
WN: This season needs a standup comic, but fuck Bill Burr, and really, fuck Dave Chappelle at this point — and any other guys who are just dyin’ to slip softly into a “cancel culture” routine like Billy Crystal when he says contemporary comedy is a “minefield.” (And yeah, that’s a link to The Blaze, because that’s the crowd Crystal is talking to with that bullshit.) Does Notaro feel like a perfect fit for a Christmas episode? Nah, probably not. But she’ll have some observations that’ll make some cishet dipshits feel uncomfortable, and that’s a present most of us can enjoy.
S47E10, Jan. 8: David Tennant & Michael Sheen (Prestige) MUUUSICAL GUEST: Kylie Minogue!
JP: Just watch like five minutes of Staged and tell me you wouldn’t love this. I know duos don’t normally get much cop in American comedy but it would feel like such a cheat if only one of them got the gig and the other was reduced to a cameo. Though I would love the comedy fodder that would provide Staged, I think the episode would be much better with them both.
WN: SNL’s done duos in the past, including Peter Cook/Dudley Moore, Roseanne/Tom Arnold, Jessica Simpson/Nick Lachey and Alec Baldwin/Kim Basinger. So…uhh…this has the chance of being one of the best.
S47E11, Jan. 15: Rachel Maddow (Wildcard)
MUUUSICAL GUEST: Paul Simon!
WN: This might be one of our most controversial picks — or at least it’s one that would get the Fox News crew to bleat about “liberal” entertainment media. But they’re disingenuous fucks anyway. Maddow works for a close corporate sibling, and her colleague Brian Williams hosted in season 33 — and that was back when he was a straight news guy. I see no reason why Maddow *couldn’t* host.
JP: OOF that Brian Williams episode. But Maddow is an interesting choice! And she at least has the comedic timing to at least bare the weight of SOME of the sketches for sure. And you just KNOW Lorne would call his good buddy Paul just to fully play to the NPR crowd.
WN: Have the writers give her some softball stuff like news anchor or…librarian? Play to her strengths, hide the weaknesses.
AA: I totally blocked that Williams episode out of my head. Good god.
S47E12, Feb. 5: Lucy Lawless (Give ‘Em A Goddamn Shot) MUUUSICAL Guest: Chris Gaines
AA: The New Zealand-born actress has been a part of television history for decades and I don’t see why we shouldn’t be blessed with her skills in this one. Damn it. Lucy Lawless has hosted before, back in the 1990s and she appeared in one of my favorite sketches of all time. Her portrayal of Stevie Nicks is absolutely iconic. She’s a natural on set. Some regular SNL castmates can’t hold a candle to her ability to feed off the audience and vibe.
JP: I LOVE LOVE LOVE this. I actually had forgotten she hosted, but holy cats, is that sketch funny. Lawless, I think too, aside from just being absolutely magnetic on screen always, could bring a much needed and rarely seen physicality that has been missing from SNL for a while. Used to be they would do broader gags and stranger physical comedy, so it would be really neat to see that return with her.
WN: You know a gag they haven’t done in years? The ol’ “hidden hose of vomit in your clothes.” That has nothing to do with Lawless, but I wanted to put that out there.
S47E13, Feb. 12: Tony Romo (Wildcard)
MUUUSICAL Guest: Jackson Maine
WN: It’s Super Bowl weekend, and NBC has the broadcast; while Romo works for CBS, it would work out for everyone if he got a chance to host. The NFL types say he’s a great color analyst (I don’t watch enough pro ball to have an opinion), and that seems like it would translate well to the show.
JP: Well, as a Texan I think I’m legally obligated to say he’s okay in my book (despite me thinking he’s kind of annoying behind the desk). He’s certainly WEIRD which works well in his favor.
Usually weirder athletes fare better at 8-H, so hopefully that would be the energy and vibe here.
AA: I don’t know who Tony Romo is and at this point? I’m too afraid to ask.
WN: He was the quarterback for the Cowboys when they never won anything. Now he’s paid to be handsome on television.
S47E14, March 12: Aparna Nancherla (Give ‘Em A Goddamn Shot) MUUUSICAL Guest: Against Me!
AA: I watched Aparna’s stand-up set at some point during the pandemic, I don’t even remember when but it’s stuck with me. I feel at one with her. Why? She is self-deprecating and anxiety-ridden. If you aren’t familiar with her work, I can direct you to an appearance she made on The Late Show.
Nancherla has done voice-over work and among her appearance on the short-lived Comedy Central dark-comedy Corporate. I have no idea if she’d get along with the rest of the cast, I don’t even know if she’d want to do SNL for a shil like Lorne Michaels. But that makes me all the more curious to see her try.
JP: Y’all she is SO SO goddamn funny. And her droll, instantly recognizable voice and delivery could bring some much needed alt-comedy energy to the stage for sure. I’m almost MAD At how good a choice this is.
S47E15, March 19: Mike O’Brien (Former Cast Member) MUUSICAL Guest: Weezer!
WN: One of my favorite things is when a cast member who wasn’t all that distinguished on the show makes it big and comes back to host. (Think Chris Rock or Robert Downey Jr.) Mike O’Brien might not be a household name (yet), but he’s done well for himself in creating A.P. Bio. Bring him home and give ‘im the shine.
JP: AP BIOOOOOOO. It’s the funniest. Also O’Brien has been in the rooms of some of your favorite sitcoms of the last like 20 years, serving as a consulting producer for shows like 30 Rock, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Trial & Error and even more, so you know at least the writing would be super sharp this one.
AA: Oh yes, I like this. I want to see Mike O’Brien and Kyle Mooney in a skit. God yes.
S47E16, March 26: Becky Lynch (Wildcard)
MUUUSICAL Guest: U2!
WN: This is as close to Wrestlemania 38 as we could get it without Lynch having to do the show and then get down to Texas for ‘Mania the next day. NBC and WWE are deep, deep in bed with Peacock, and it’s past time to get a female wrestler over in mainstream media. This could be Lynch’s breakout moment. (Watch Vince get the booking for Charlotte Flair).
JP: THE MAN! SEND FOR THE MAN! I love Becky a lot and find her, even beyond her gimmick, to be really very charming and watchable. She’s also provided Xavier Woods’ UPUPDOWNDOWN with some of its most memorable moments so we know she’s at least comfortable with a more improvisational environment. Have many wrestlers hosted? That might be its own article.
AA: There have been some wrestlers who have hosted, the fact that I can’t remember any of them tells me they probably weren’t that memorable?
WN: Hulk Hogan, The Rock (a Five-Timer) and John Cena are all offended, Andrea, but Hulk is a shit, so who cares.
S47E17, April 9: Nicole Byer (Give ‘Em A Goddamn Shot) MUUUSICAL Guest: Alison Wonderland!
AA: Please. I need this. The host of Netflix’s hit baking competition, Nailed It! would provide everyone with a much-needed respite during the springtime slump. We know she’s great at improvisation, and who knows, maybe Wes will make an appearance?
Classic Byer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xvYMJniZaI
JP: WHA-ESSSS?! WHA-Essss?! As she herself would say, Nicole Byer?! AH WHAT A TREAT WHATTA DREAM. She’s another it’s kind of insane that she hasn’t hosted yet. Or even just popped on since they have now started to just straight up DO a recurring Nailed It like sketch about demon cakes and blasphemous DIY baking. Get her on yesterday. She deserves it.
WN: All I know of her is what I keep seeing on promos for Wipeout, but she seems great.
S47E18, April 16: Kathryn Hahn (Give ‘Em A Goddamn Shot) MUUUSICAL Guest: Charlie XCX!
AA: Does this even need an explanation? We know her. We love her. We demand her skills.
WN: No slight to Byer, but Hahn is here to start our last run of shows because we want to end strong AF.
JP: IT WAS AGATHA ALL ALONG?! Again, this almost makes me furious, it’s such a good choice. AND AGAIN ALSO, a heavy comedic presence that has been sprinting away with scenes since Anchorman and Step Brothers. Let her do whatever the hell she wants.
S47E19, May 7: Leslie Jones (Former Cast Member)
MUUSICAL Guest: Orville Peck!
WN: She hasn’t been gone all that long, but come on: She stole the show every time she was on screen with her energy and presence. Reason enough to keep Colin Jost on the Update desk for at least one more year.
JP: I was slightly heartbroken when Jones left the cast. Even more so when the lockdown seemed to have put a clamp on the burgeoning movie career she was spinning up. But I can’t imagine she would be welcomed back with anything less than open arms for a guest hosting spot.
AA: Leslie Jones got me through the election. It’s clear to me that SNL did her dirty a lot of the time. I don’t think she was allowed to explore her skills in a way that enabled her growth or capitalized on her comedic abilities.
WN: I love Orville Peck here. Shit is gonna get weird.
S47E20, May 14: Jane Fonda (Give ‘Em A Goddamn Shot) MUUSICAL Guest: Far East Mannequin Movement (FEMM)!
Special guests: Lily Tomlin, Tina Fey, Kristen Wiig
AA: The actress, climate activist and all around bad bitch deserves the chance to grace us with her comedic talents. I would rather see Fonda over Alec Baldwin every single day of my ever-loving-life.
WN: I fuckin’ love this idea. We need more absolute legends as hosts, like when Charlton Heston (admittedly already into his shitbag NRA phase of his life) hosted in 1987 and 1993.
JP: As one of the nine people that watches Grace and Frankie, I can say with certainty that Fonda has still got it.
S47, E21: May 21: Bob Odenkirk (Former Cast Member) MUUUSICAL Guest: Japanese Breakfast!
Special guests: Brian Cranston, Aaron Paul, Vince Gilligan, David Cross
WN: This is something of a cheat since Odenkirk was never an official cast member, but since he was a writer from 1987-1991 and made a handful of onscreen cameos, he counts. And what a good host he would be with his Mr. Show experience and general talent. Hell of a way to close out the season.
JP: We gotta get him on just so he can give us one of his now legendary “GODDAMMIT”s.
AA: Damn Will. That’s a deep forking cut. Excellent. Excellent choice.
WN: As Walter White might say, “You’re goddamned right.”
Will Nevin loves bourbon and AP style and gets paid to teach one of those things. He is on Twitter far too often.
Andrea Ayres is a freelance writer and pop culture journalist.
