The following are real* leaked notes from an unnamed executive** at a media company known for its superhero movies but struggling to produce a movie about a cool guy who kills vampires. Trusted sources*** have verified these leaks. The situation they present is about what everyone would expect.
These emails consist of communication with a casting director (abbreviated as CD), a concept artist (abbreviated as CA), three screenwriters (abbreviated as SW1 through 3), and one special effects contractor (abbreviated as SFX). We have selected random abbreviations for two individuals in the story: the movie executive (abbreviated as KF) and the editor-in-chief of the companyâs comics division (abbreviated as AY).
*Fake, for the purposes of comedy jokes. Please do not sue. Do not sue.
**A fictional executive. Any similarity to real individuals is entirely coincidental.
***Ourselves. We trust ourselves to know that these are jokes.
*****
KF to [CA]
Iâm liking these designs â very much like the first movie! Very nostalgic! But itâs not very modern. Itâs all so smooth, so clean. Could you add some textures to the coat? And a different texture to the body armor?
KF to [SW]
Hey, loving the script! Thereâs just one problem â itâs a bit rude at times, if you know what I mean! Remember what Captain America always says: âLanguage!â Hahaha. No, seriously, this could tarnish our brand forever. Cut it out of the script.
KF to [CA]
I know what leather is. But (and now youâre going to feel stupid) thereâs different kinds of leather, and my wife has this bag in bubbled leather. That would add something really nice to B****âs design.
KF to [SW1]
Yes, all of it. Even that line. Especially that line. What were you thinking? That language denotes incest (or maybe just someone into older women?) and that kind of festish content isnât something we want in our family movie.
KF to [SFX]
Weâd like to start previsualization of some action sequences. Iâm sending along the designs we have for B**** so far. Weâre thinking itâs set in 1920s London, so have one of him fighting vampires at night on the rooftops, maybe one with him in Windsor Castle fighting a big vampire, maybe one in the tube where he has to take out a whole train car. Oh, and make sure thereâs someone with him in that first and last one â letâs see options for Loki, Nick Fury and, I donât know, throw in a Black Widow character model, that should be easy enough to swap out for someone.
KF to [SW1]
Oh, I hadnât realized the line was from the first movie. Are you sure itâs the most famous line? Because that puts us in an awkward position. Obviously the Fans will love pointing and saying, âThey said the line!â but weâre not New Line (Yet! Someday weâll buy Warner or theyâll buy us). Weâre a family company. Let me think on this. Anyway, cut the rest of the foulness. Remember: Language! Haha! Like from the movie people liked, the one we made. You get it
KF to [SW1]
Oh, brain blast! Have B**** start to say the line, and then have another character jump in and say, âLanguage!â Two references in one!
KF to [CD]
Put out the call for 1920s London types. We need a royal family, orphans, vampires, vampire orphans, an Oliver Twist type, and a chaste love interest (if you can get someone that could be Hayley Atwellâs great-grandmother, that would be great).
KF to [SW1]
Iâm not loving the villain, the more I think about it. Should we really do Dracula this early? He feels more like a movie 3 antagonist, someone we just tease for now. What I really think would be cool is if B**** fought someone who was kind of his evil opposite? Someone who could really go toe-to-toe with him, throw him off balance by using his same powerset.
KF to [CA]
Iâm liking the body armor, but could we see some versions with beefier armor? Like, if halfway through the movie, B**** gets an upgrade?
KF to [SFX]
Itâs been three days, guys. Where are my scenes?
KF to [CA]
No, I was thinking more like this:
KF to [SFX]
The contract didnât say anything about holidays. You guys bid for this one. You set this contract. Not us. Letâs not let this happen again. Now, I need a version of the Windsor fight with the War Machine model instead of B****.
KF to [SW1]
No, I know that heâs a good vampire, but that doesnât mean that evil vampires are already his opposite. Heâs a Daywalker. He can walk around in the sunlight, and he has martial arts powers. Could there be a Nightwalker? A human who can walk around in the night, because heâs immune to vampires? He has some sort of powers that make him immune, and make him equally as good at fighting as B****, and he wears a white trench coat (with bubble leather)?
KF to [CA]
This is looking great. Great. I need some variations of B**** and Mecha-B**** with the palette swapped. All white outfits. Or, well, white with some eggshell.
KF to [SFX]
Alright, I need some versions where thereâs another, evil B**** in those scenes, and an evil B**** in evil war machine armor. Sending along the concept art for both. Not sure where each of these scenes is going to go yet, but letâs have a B**** with no Evil B**** version, B**** with Evil B****, B**** with Mecha-Evil-B****, and Mecha B**** vs. Evil Mecha B***** version for each setpiece.
KF to [SW1]
Iâm liking the angle. So Nightwalker is another vampire hunter. But whereâs the conflict? Maybe he wants to kill vampires, but too much? B**** knows that vampires are important to the ecosystem and so you canât kill them all? Or â hold on, I think this is it â the Royal Family is vampires, and the Nightwalker wants to kill them all, but B**** is like, âOi mate, you canât just go off killinâ monarchs, thatâs how you get a French Revolution, and we donât stand for that sort oâ thing âere in England.â And the Nightwalkerâs [Australian maybe?] like âCrikey, Daywalker, Iâm not just gonna put those vamps on the barbie â I think all kings should be killed, and Iâm gonna use my powers to do it!â
KF to [CD]
We need an EVIL B****.
KF to [SW1]
Heâs still too sympathetic. What if we open the movie in Russia, and the Nightwalker is there, and that princess from the cartoon is pleading for her life, but he kills her entire family? He says âno bloodsuckers, and that includes youâ and starts killing children (off-camera â remember, family company!)
KF to [AY]
I need a list of characters we havenât used that have interacted with vampires at some point.
KF to [SW1]
OK, so the Nightwalkerâs name is going to be Yehya Badr. Mention Khonshu somewhere in the script, like Khonshu is what protects him from vampires. Keep the rest.
KF to [SW1]
I think the bones of this thing are finally in place, so we can start with some finer revisions. First of all: Letâs get some of the wider universe in there. Young TâChaka or some Dora Milaje can team up with B**** because the Nightwalker went after the Wakandan monarchy. At some point he needs to get that sword from Eternals, or at least mention it. Letâs see a version with the Ancient One in place of Young TâChaka just in case Tilda Swinton is available, and maybe another one with Nick Fury, and another one where Captain Carterâs grandmother is a Jane Bond type.
And the dialogue needs to be entirely rewritten. Let me give you an example: The first time B**** tells someone, âMy name is B****,â the other person should say something like, âWhat? Like, like the sword youâre carrying? Thatâs like if my name wasâ and then the punchline should be based on whoever B**** is talking to. If itâs Tilda Swinton, sheâll say âtwirly hands,â if itâs Grandma Carter, sheâll say âGun.â After a fight scene, B**** should say âBite meâ and his sidekick should say something like âHaha, because theyâre vampires! I get it.â The kind of quick banter weâre known for.
Oh, and to tie into the next big saga, we need to include a time travel element. B**** is getting a suit of Iron Man armor, the Vampbuster, teleported in from the future. Maybe Kang sends it to him, maybe Loki, maybe itâs just accidentally left behind from returning the Infinity Gems somehow. Get me some options there too, and get the Nightwalker into an evil one.
And do we really think 1920s London is the best place for this? How do you feel about â70s Chicago? Or maybe LA?
KF to [SW1]
Hello??
*****
KF to [SW2]
So you can see that we got pretty far, but something just wasnât working. Iâd like to see your best take on the story as we have it, but a bit more in our house style.
KF to [AY]
I need a list of important vampire crossovers and events we could tease.
KF to [SW2]
OK, so youâre also going to need to add a line, probably someone reading a bunch of prophecies from a book, about Atlantis, the Midnight Suns, and some sort of âCurse of the Mutants.â Later on have someone say something about having to deal with the âDanny Ketch situationâ and âthat new vampire with the sparkle powers.â
KF to [CD]
Is Lana Condor available?
KF to [SW2]
Itâs still missing something. It just doesnât feel like one of our movies. Even with the armor upgrade, B****âs powerset is just a bit ⌠boring? What about this: Most vampires blow up in the sun, but since heâs a Daywalker, the mitochondria in his blood cells supercharge in the sun, so he can use Solar Blasts to blow up vampires (and Khonshu has given the Nightwalker Moonblasts, the only power capable of opposing these beams). When he channels the blasts through his feet, he can fly. He can use it as a shield, and maybe even channel it into his sword as a lightsaber! We can have him light up his sword, and then his sidekick can go, âDid you just make a LIGHTSABER???â while the Star Wars theme plays (we own that). This should also help us keep blood out of the movie.
KF to [SFX]
Alright, letâs see those fights again but this time B**** has Captain Marvelâs powerset, and also a lightsaber.
Oh, and can we get a grand finale where he fights a few hundred guys? In a big open space? Start with vampires, but maybe aliens instead? Letâs see both.
KF to [CA]
What would it look like if vampires turned into the aliens from Endgame?
KF to [SW2]
OK, so letâs say Kang transports Thanosâ army to the past to wipe out the world, and the Nightwalker helps the vampires turn them into an alien-vampire horde (the Nightwalker is going to use the alien vampires to kill monarchs, and then kill the vampires after that? But B**** is like, âNo, you canât trust them, theyâll just do genocide,â and Nightwalker says, âGenocide is good, if it genocides the powerful,â and B**** says, âWhat happened to you?â And then they start fighting. Thatâs pretty good, right?).
KF to [SFX]
What the frick is this? It looks like heâs fighting the vampires ⌠on the moon??? Thatâs nonsense. We need to keep this grounded. Put them in a field, just the usual field.
KF to [SW2]
Well, so, I donât know if you read the news, but Kang is out. This is going to require some minor rewrites, but weâre thinking this could serve as a followup of sorts to The Marvels and the teases weâre going to be including there, setting up a Curse of the Mutants movie for the future in earnest. S.A.B.E.R. agents Talia and Dag are sure to be fan favorites, so they can be B****âs supporting cast. This will also help us answer a question the fans are sure to ask: If vampires exist, why werenât they in any of the previous movies? We can say that vampires are from another universe, and the rift in space in The Marvels let them in. Maybe B**** chases a vampire through the rift? But he gets frozen in space and wakes up in a S.A.B.E.R. facility. And the rift gives him his new solar powers, and the Vampbuster armor comes from an Iron Man cache. So you see, itâs all pretty straightforward, youâve just got to refresh the details.
KF to [SW2]
So, I donât know if you saw the box office numbers, but weâre thinking this canât have anything to do with The Marvels at this point. But people really love The Guardians of the Galaxy still â how would you get B**** into space?
KF to [SW2]
Hello?
KF to [SW2]
Hello??? Why does this keep happening?
*****
KF to [SW3]
So Deadpool & Wolverine is testing really well. Weâd like you to add some of the swears back in (only one F-bomb!), and a little bit of blood. Also, we think it needs to be a lot funnier. Have you seen Free Guy? Weâre thinking sort of a PG-13, Free Guy meets Van Helsing movie that teases a Victoria Montesi spinoff.
I really think this is it, man. I really think this is the one.
Robert Secundus is an amateur-angelologist-for-hire.
