Do you like half-nekkid superheroes? Of course you do. And Marvel is betting on it! Itâs right there in the promo language for the Rogue: The Savage Land miniseries slated for January, with Polygon quoting writer Tim Seeley as saying the series will allow him to âutilize [his] love for ’80s X-Men, Jim Lee, Chris Claremont, Zabu, scantily clad heroines (and heroes!) and probably most importantly: dinosaurs,â and that the original story, from Uncanny X-Men #269 and #274 is âimpossibly sexy.âÂ
This got me thinking. If Marvel is going to publish a miniseries based entirely on the ’90s X-equivalent of Slave Girl Leia, what other classic undressed looks could inspire their own stories for the drooling masses? So I took a moment to dip into ye olde X-continuity to find the most scant, most salacious, nay, some might say, most nonexistent outfits Marvel could bring to the fore to ignite the loins of their readers. Surely this many brutes and babes in so little clothing will be as inspirational and titillating as a 30+-year-old âiconicâ character design somehow continues to be today.Â
#10 – Contortionist Psylocke
Psylocke and Archangel: Crimson Dawn, art by Salvador Larroca, Art Thibert & Liquid!
Nothing says salty like a soft pretzel. Applied to the anatomy of a human, you get a contortionist mess that twists a ladyâs bod until it completely lacks internal organs. Slap a one-piece bathing suit and a few flimsy strips of fabric on it, and readers will be hooting and hollering to see both front and back at the same time! Life drawing be damned! Psylocke has things to kick and the focused totality of her psychic powers to stab into faces, and sheâs not letting a spine get in the way!Â
#9 – Booty Shorts Colossus
Uncanny X-Men #231, art by Rick Leonardi, Dan Green & Glynis Oliver
Oh, you thought it was just ladies that could look smokinâ hot? Lest we forget our artistically talented pal Colossus heating up like the inside of a car on a summer day in the Australian Outback in nothing but a pair of short shorts. This Russkie has enough radiant heat to melt the hearts of all admirers. Isnât it time to slide this hot knife through some butter and let him lead the oily painting class youâve always desired?Â
#8 – New X-Men Emma
New X-Men #116, art by Frank Quitely, Tim Townsend, & Hi-Fi Design
Itâs not easy to see, but if you squint reeeeal hard like itâs a Magic Eye puzzle, you can see that Frank Quitelyâs Emma Frost costume forms an inverse X across her torso. I know, I know. Every time I point this out people are shocked [Ed. Note: Also, the New X-Men logo is designed so that it reads the same way upside down and right side up đ¤Ż]. But now that weâre all in on the Easter egg, itâs time to revisit this gravity-defying look. Remember that Emma is a telepath, so she might be completely naked and is just using her powers to make you think her outfit looks like an X. She could also be wearing a Gritty mascot costume. And thereâs nothing hotter than not knowing which it is! Add in the saga of purchasing this much body tape, and youâve got a guaranteed hit.Â
#7 – Butte
Uncanny X-Men #132, art by John Byrne, Terry Austin, Glynis Oliver & Tom Orzechowski
Less a look and more of a location, buttes are funny because theyâre pronounced byoot (as in, sheâs a beautâ!) but theyâre spelled like “butt.” Theyâre kinda mountains but really just an isolated piece of rock you can climb up on (or fly to if youâre a superhero) and do it. You may recall one particular butte as the location where Phoenix and Cyclops got it on during “The Dark Phoenix Saga.” Thatâs already hot, but whoâs to say who or what else has been getting it on up on that butte? We wonât know until it gets its own miniseries!Â
#6 – Morlock Gear Xavier
Uncanny X-Men #193, art by John Romita Jr., Dan Green, Tom Orzechowski & Glynis Oliver
Call it a predisposition, a hobby, maybe even a fetish, but boy does Chris Claremont love to find excuses to dress up his characters in bondage gear. Such was the case for Charles Xavier, who found himself turned into a leather daddy overnight by Callisto and the Morlocks. Of course they were âhealing himâ after a ânear death experience,â but that doesnât mean that one special night isnât worth revisiting. Who knows what kind of kink the X-leader got into among all that raw sewage?Â
#5 – Nuthin’ But a G String Jamie Braddock
Excalibur #56, art by Alan Davis, Mark Farmer & Glynis Oliver
What would you wear if you were driven to insanity by a man named Doctor Crocodile? If youâre Jamie Braddock, youâre wearing next to nothing in a smooth white speedo, exposing your ample musculature to the world while you warp reality into something unrecognizable. Plus, whatâs hotter than seeing a man look at you with his eyelids peeled back into a look thatâs somewhere between stupor and lunacy? And while Jamie wore more clothes in his royal turn in Otherworld, thereâs no reason we couldnât flash back to Gams City and get a load of every inch of this hairy freak.Â
#4 – Bathtub Cable and Domino
X-Force #6, art by Rob Liefeld, Steve Bucellato and Chris EliopoulisÂ
Letâs leave aside that when we first encountered these two bathing it wasnât actually Domino, but the shape-shifting Copycat. There is much material to be mined in the geometry and physics involved with fitting these two athletic mutants into one bathtub. How big is this bathtub? Where are everyoneâs feet? Could they not afford a hot tub? Just how long before the steamy water cools off and theyâre both sitting in an icky pool of their own sweat and grime? In the right soapy hands, these hygienic adventures could tickle the fancy of readers everywhere.
#3 – Naked Doop
Wolverine/Doop #1, art by Darwyn Cooke, J. Bone, Laura Allred & Nate Piekos
Whatâs sexier than scantily clad? Thatâs right: Full frontal nudity, and no X-character is more willing to oblige with the Full Monty than the completely nude and very seductive fan of the French New Wave: Doop. Doop doesnât need costume changes, he doesnât need to have his clothes blown off, heck we donât really even know what Doop is! Which means he should be a point of fascination for perverts everywhere interested in probing his alien bumps and folds and tagging along on his sultry, Dada-esque adventures of the weird.
#2 – Glob Herman
Age of X-Man: NeXtGen #1, art by Marcus To, Jason Keith and Clayton Cowles
If you thought full-frontal Doop was pushing the envelope, just wait till you get a load of this guy. Not only does Glob Herman wander around naked everywhere he goes, but heâs TRANSPARENT. And while tasteful artists politely leave out Globâs junk, thereâs no lack of bones â get it? Get it? Well, Glob wishes he could get it, but to date, heâs been stuck practicing husbandry with his pet chickens. Itâs time to give Glob the see-through adventures femur enthusiasts have been waiting for.Â
#1 – Adamantium Skeleton Logan
X-Men Annual #15, art by Kirk Jarvinen, Brad Vancata and Mike HeislerÂ
Peel back the layers and get to the real core of what gets you going: Who needs stupid crap like clothes or skin or transparent bio-paraffin wax when we can get bone deep with the real thing. Thatâs right, nothing is more scantily clad than Loganâs adamantium skeleton. This guy can survive anything down to a drop of blood, so you know his skeleton can last for days. Hard and stiff in all the right places, Loganâs 206 (OK I guess 212 if you include the claws) are the durable equipment to get the job done, and the perfect arousing look to draw in readers looking for the scantiest of all clads.Â
Phew! Now that weâve all worked up a good sweat, take a second to towel off before Marvel surely runs with all these amazing ideas in the coming year. And if any of these do make it to print, make sure to tell the X-office Adam sent ya! Just like Cates and Stegman, I expect a large novelty check is already in the mail.Â
Adam Reck is the cartoonist behind Bish & Jubez as well as the co-host of Battle Of The Atom.
