Happy Halloween! It’s time for tricks, treats, costumes and, of course, horror movies. The skeletons and the cobwebs have been hung with care, and now it’s time for the mutant maniacs of the X-Mansion to decide what spooky flicks they want to marathon as they eat all the candy they want. I assume the X-Mansion has a home theater. I do hope they don’t use the Danger Room for this kind of thing. But which horror classic, franchise or B-list obscurity goes with whom? Let’s find out, shall we? [Insert Vincent Price laughter here.]
Professor X — The Haunting (1963)
The patriarch of the X-Men would like everyone to take notes on this Robert Wise-directed classic based on Shirley Jackson’s Haunting of Hill House. He expects a full written report about the ingenious camera work and Julie Harris’ over-the-top performance as Eleanor on his desk bright and early tomorrow morning. No, he sees nothing strange about recommending a movie where the mansion is more than just a setting.
Cyclops & Jean Grey — The Conjuring 2 (2016)
Scott and Jean love all the Conjuring movies (except maybe the first Annabelle and that terrible La Llorona movie). There’s just something about the Warrens and their love and commitment to each other as they ghost-hunt across the globe that really speaks to them. Just two brave folks willing to leave their child and fly away to go save a family halfway around the world. Aw, look, they’re holding hands.
Beast — The Fly (1986)
Hank McCoy knows a thing or two about experimenting on himself. But he has nothing on Jeff Goldblum’s Seth Brundle, who experiments himself into a completely inhuman monster. Hank would like everyone to watch this David Cronenberg body horror as a cautionary tale. When asked if he considers this a cautionary tale for himself, he said, “I simply enjoy the acting of Geena Davis.”
Wolverine — Friday the 13th Franchise
Stupid kids. Sometimes they’re so annoying. Sometimes it would be great if they would just shut up. Logan may take on the role of mentor often enough, but he appreciates Jason Voorhees. Jason just wants some damn quiet. Plus he’s an unstoppable, invincible, self-healing stab-machine. Time to crack some brewskies and watch Jason break up some teenage shenanigans. Nuff said, Bub.
Storm — Def by Temptation (1990)
Ororo Munroe believes everyone will enjoy the underseen Def by Temptation. She particularly enjoys the scenery-chewing performance of Ms. Cynthia Bond as the sexy and powerful succubus known as Temptress. Cyclops is concerned this one might be too sensual for younger viewers. “Relax, Scott,” she commands, “you might learn something.”
Nightcrawler — Vampire Circus (1972)
Everyone’s favorite swashbuckling acrobat would like his friends to watch this very silly movie about exactly what the title says — a vampire circus! Who could turn down a movie about shapeshifting carnies intent on reviving their dormant Count? The only problem is whom to root for: the sexy, groovy circus folk or the boring, skeptical villagers. Kurt knows who he’s rooting for.
Colossus — Poltergeist (1982)
There is a little girl and they have to save her. She’s been abducted by a supernatural force and they have to save her. This is all Piotr knows. This is all he needs to know. He hasn’t even seen this movie. He must know if Diane and Steve can save Carol Anne. And if they can’t save her, he will.
Kitty Pryde — Jennifer’s Body (2009)
Kitty would like everyone to know the seat next to her on the couch is reserved for Illyana and they are sharing this bucket of popcorn. Also, she highly recommends the team watch Karyn Kusama and Diablo Cody’s horror comedy Jennifer’s Body, about a gal who’s just super curious about her freaky-hot best friend who might be a demon. Did Kitty just say Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried make the perfect couple, or was she just asking where Illyana went?
Magik — Night of the Demons (1988)
Illyana, on the other hand, is feeling a little home(Limbo)sick, so she’s all in on this fun B-movie about a group of punks, dweebs and preps that decide to party in a cursed funeral parlor haunted by demons who proceed to possess the partying teens one by one. The X-Men turn down her offer of having actual demons from Limbo join in any screenings.
Jubilee & Bishop — Chopping Mall (1986)
Bishop requested a movie from the future that didn’t exist yet called Techtronic Sensory Array, but Cable couldn’t find it no matter how many times he did his bodyslide thing. So when Jubilee recommended one of her mallrat favorites about dumb co-eds trying to survive homicidal security robots gone wild in a locked shopping mall, he shrugged and seconded the nomination. Jubilee would still like to know what’s so great about a party in a furniture store.
Rogue & Gambit — Don’t Breathe (2016)
Oh god, these two. They stopped making out just long enough to pick a movie they think is about teen “t’ieves.” It’s gonna be very funny when they see what happens when the heist goes wrong, not to mention what’s in the basement. Just kidding, they’re not gonna see a minute of this thing. They’re making out again.
Psylocke (Betsy Braddock) — Possessor (2020)
No one even bothers to ask why Betsy might love Brandon Cronenberg’s sci-fi tale of an assassin who enters other bodies for contract kills and starts to forget her own identity in the process. They get it.
Archangel — American Psycho (2000)
Warren recommends everyone watch Christian Bale in American Psycho. He says it’s the funniest movie he’s ever seen and he relates so much to Patrick Bateman — “y’know, like the business card scene, not the, uh, ax murder stuff.” Everyone else takes a big step backward.
Iceman — Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)
Bobby is being way too loud about how much he likes the topless pillow fight in this movie. Like, dude, shut up, have you never seen boobs before? His teammates suspect he might be more into the psychotic, rockabilly, killer singer out for blood with his custom drill guitar who turns this slasher into a borderline musical. But everyone is being very polite about it.
Dazzler — Prom Night (1980)
This one has Jamie Lee Curtis and disco dancing. What’s not to love? Plus, because most of the soundtrack is ripped off disco hits the producers couldn’t afford, Dazzler is like 75% sure she may have recorded something for this.
Moira MacTaggert & Banshee — Happy Death Day (2017)
Moira is being very cagey about why she likes this movie so much. Banshee would love to know why she is so into a story about a college kid stuck in an endless time loop that keeps restarting every time she dies, but his girlfriend ain’t saying a word. Banshee also noticed that Moira laughed a lot during this very funny movie, but in a nervous way, the kind of laugh you might make if you didn’t want to be caught in a lie.
Whatever the X-Men end up watching this Halloween, I’m sure it’ll be a fun time for everybody and not at all reflective of their individual idiosyncrasies and nightmares. There’s only a minimal chance any of their many villains will stop by and interrupt their fun or Sentinels will step on a new recruit. It’s almost guaranteed to be all candy and jack-o-lanterns. It’s not like the actual Dracula might swing by and try to transform anybody. Right? … Right?
Adam Reck is the cartoonist behind Bish & Jubez as well as the co-host of Battle Of The Atom.
