If you’re going to do a thing — any stupid thing at all — it should be done right.
The Splash
I don’t know who runs social media for IMDb (which, by the way, is one more part of the Amazon empire if you didn’t know), but they should be fired — preferably into the sun — for putting this together:
Normally this is a rant reserved for March, when every dipshit brand and blogger in America thinks they can do this, but since IMDb got a jump on it, you all get my screed now. If you’re going to do this — *this* being an NCAA basketball tournament-style pop culture “who’s the best” bracket in which people vote and the winners advance — you have to seed the bracket (usually denoted with a lil’ number alongside the bracket entries) or it’s all a waste of time. Seeding means that before the bracket is laid down, all of the teams/Batmen/whatever are ranked according to perceived strength, and that ranking is then used to determine the matchups, with the lowest seed and strongest teams always facing the highest seed and weakest teams in the first round. (Some sports re-seed after the first round, but whatever.)
Seeding is important because that’s what creates upsets. That’s what makes the NCAA men’s basketball tournament such a cultural moment. As a 16-seed, my wife’s University of Maryland-Baltimore County Retrievers weren’t supposed to beat the No. 1 seeded University of Virginia Cavaliers in 2018. But they did and shocked the hell out of the sports world.
If you don’t have seeds, you can’t track upsets, and if you can’t track upsets, then why would anyone waste their time with your dumb baby shit?
So, with that all screeched out, here’s IMDb’s time waster with seeds according to where the Batmen happen to be placed on the bracket:
Some of these — mostly the first round Bale/Kilmer matchup — look right, but there’s still the sense that these animals simply threw some names together. I mean, who the frick is David Mazouz, and why would he be a 4-seed in any reasonable bracket? Clooney nabs a better seed than Conroy? No. None of that. I declare the IMDb painfully dumb baby shit bracket null and void.
If we’re going to do this the right way, dear Content Consumer, we have to start with seeds, and this is the way I’d rank ’em:
Christian Bale (1): All of these seeds are, to one measure or another, a reflection of the writing and quality of the finished product and not necessarily a judgment of exclusively the performance. Ergo, Bale gets the top seed largely because Christopher Nolan’s trilogy is by far the best Batwork put to screen, and it’s even better when you pretend that “The Dark Knight Rises” doesn’t exist. Bale, however, gets high marks for having the crispest distinction between Bruce Wayne and Batman — for showing with his acting that the former is truly the costume.
Adam West (2): The Nevin Committee probably has West slotted higher than many similarly situated bracket committees, but they can suck it. The man behind the one and only White Knight played the material perfectly. He was also S T U N N I N G L Y handsome. This committee respects any man who can pull off a cravat.
Ben Affleck (3): When he’s not directing misplaced ire toward Henry Cavill, Affleck’s Batman has a deep weariness about him, almost like he could collapse into dust on account of emotional exhaustion at any moment. That’s a good elder statesman Bats.
Kevin Conroy (4): Iconic performance. Listen to his reading of “I am vengeance. I am the night. I. AM. BATMAN.” and tell me he doesn’t belong in the top half of this bracket. You can’t. Also, the committee would listen to arguments for giving him a lower seed as well and respects the judgment of those that do.
Michael Keaton (5): Keaton is ultimately Fine and Good as Batman, but that’s it — he only seems to exist in Tim Burton’s crazy world without adding much to it, and a shallow character lands him in the bottom half of this bracket.
Will Arnett (6): Again, who the frick is David Mazouz? Out of this bracket is who he is. In his place, we have Will Arnett as the voice of LEGO Batman. Some people say that “LEGO Batman” is the best Batman movie. They are wrong. Arnett’s fine, though.
Val Kilmer (7): Garbage.
George Clooney (8): Smellier garbage.
[Ed. Note: Now that we’ve determined which Batmen are smellier garbage, read Matthew Lazorwitz’s piece on why you’re allowed to like the version of Batman you like and everyone else can shut up about it.]
With the Batmen properly seeded, now we can build a bracket. On the left side, we have:
Bale (1) v. Clooney (8)
Conroy (4) v. Keaton (5)
And on the right:
West (2) v. Kilmer (7)
Affleck (3) v. Arnett (6)
If the bracket goes “chalk” (meaning no upsets, lower seeds win each matchup), then we have Bale beating West in the end, and I think that’s right — but that should seem right to me since I assigned the seeds and built the damn bracket. Who’s to say how a hundred or a thousand people would vote in Conroy v. Keaton and Affleck v. Arnett matchups? We have upset potential. Possible drama. A reason to care.
So seed your brackets, people.
Or don’t bother.
Letters Home in a Time of Joker War
Dearest Ferdinand,
Time seems frozen, my love, as if we were calcified in amber and made to watch as the world crawled along at quarter speed. Minutes turn to hours, days to weeks, weeks to insufferable eternities. Batman was poisoned. Batman is still poisoned. I believe Batman to have always been poisoned.
The chaos around us is interminable, it seems, and nothing I can do will make it end. The one person able to do anything — this “Clownhunter” fellow — is good at what he does, but he is only one man and not around nearly enough. Although I suppose if I did see him more, he would begin to grate on me the same as everything else in this wretched city.
I am desensitized to the violence, immured by the nonsense around me. It is all noise. Loud, meaningless noise. Perhaps it is I that am poisoned.
I long for your touch, my Ferdy. I long for this to be over.
Yours faithfully,
Ernest
P.S. — One Joker is sufficient, I believe. There is no need for two more.
And Now, Your Questions
Tweet me (@willnevin) or just scream at me with some stupid thing you want answered. If you don’t ask me questions, I’ll find you and beg you for them. Don’t make me beg.
@BigDadEnergy_: Stories about the power of stories are overplayed. How can we make Meta-textual tales interesting again?
I feel like I see this more — and it certainly irritates me more — in professional wrestling, like when Dolph Ziggler or some similarly situated midcard flunky cuts a bad promo about how he’s not “getting opportunities” and that he should be “the face of the company.” No, dingus, the job of a professional wrestling character is to chase titles, win matches and beat the hell out of people — not complain about a push.
While I’d never speak for Big Boss Dad, I feel like he’s subtweeting (subasking?) ol’ Donny Cates here about his upcoming “Crossover” series for Image, and as a card-carrying AdvoCATE, I think I’m supposed to resent the question. However, I will agree that there is a great deal of exhaustion inherent to these stories, especially as they’ve been seemingly done to death with “Rebirth,” “Metal,” “Death Metal” and the various crises that preceded them.
The basic answer is that these stories have to work on more than just the meta level. “Fearscape,” by Ryan O’Sullivan and Andrea Mutti, was basically an allegory, but it still had a recognizable man acting in realistic ways to doubt, ambition and cowardice — all relatable things.
A shorter answer is that these stories (and storytellers) have got to crawl a few inches down toward the opening of their asses.
@RobertSecundus: Where would it be most satisfying to punch max landis in the face
@PalmReider: Do you mean where on his face or what physical location would it be best to be in when you punch Max Landis in the face
@RobertSecundus: both
I’m going to predict that — contrary to some sketchy social media post — Landis *won’t* be coming back to DC for more “American Alien” because he is absolutely too toxic to employ on account of him being a sexual predator and all. This isn’t the first random shit he’s done for attention, and it probably won’t be the last, so, please, punch him wherever you’d like.
I’d suggest aiming for the taint. Of the face. The face taint. Wherever that is. [Ed. note: Pretty sure that’s the throat.]
@LanTweets: What medium are the Watchmen going to be adapted into next this weekend at FanDome?
I’m damn near shocked that we didn’t see more Watchmen stuff coming out of FANDOME, THE ULTIMATE FAN EXPERIENCE, BROUGHT TO YOU BY AT&T. I thought for sure we’d at least get them included in “Injustic3” because where the hell else is that franchise going to go? But I’m not complaining — they are oversaturated at the moment and could use a rest. Also, the stink of screwing over Alan Moore will never go away.
@BlackFist775: […] How come DC and Marvel haven’t masked up their characters yet? Are we going to see “covid edition” covers? Seems like utilizing your stable of artists to create some one/two page spreads, slapping a cover on it, maybe some foil, would sell?
This question reminds me of one of the last times I saw my grandfather’s wife. (My step-grandma? Is that a thing?) She wanted me to be in a family picture, and instead, I went up to my room to be left alone — on the day of my father’s funeral. Some moments in life, we don’t want to remember them, or at least we don’t want to have tangible, physical reminders of them. That’s my guess as to why we don’t have shiny variant pandemic covers. PSAs are one thing, and DC has certainly done one or two rounds of them, but putting coronavirus literally on covers is a different degree of (and this is the wrong word here admittedly) exploitation.
The question is a fair one. And maybe some people would like mementos of this weird and terrible time. Not me.
@Blankzilla: What meal would you make if you had to take an existing dish that has no pasta in it, no starch, and add pasta to it FINE OKAY ARE YOU HAPPY?
Zoe here is a good egg. I extorted her for a question, and goshamighty, she gave me one. Bless her. If I understand food correctly (and that is never a given, what with my weird eating of nothing but protein bars, sandwiches and sushi and all), rice, pasta, bread and potatoes are all examples of starches, so that takes a lot of possible options off the board. The first few results on Google lead me toward starch replacements like cauliflower rice (which I’ve heard of, but no) and coconut flour (which sounds terrible). This article suggests that for dinners, I should “stick with meats and vegetables,” which IS LITERALLY WHAT I HAVE TO DO IF I WANT TO AVOID STARCH, YES, THANK YOU.
My food crime (sponsored by the Publishing House) answer is cheese (as a meal) with almost any pasta. (Cheese is a meal because I took a hunk of it into a football game at a cow college once.) But if I had to seriously answer? Steamed broccoli with pasta. Or maybe take a traditional steak and turn it into some weird beef stroganoff approximation.
Your ‘Why, Will’ Weekly Planner
Wednesday: If we’re done clowning on “Three Jokers,” there’s lots of hot ’n’ fresh good stuff: “Billionaire Island” #5, “Bliss” #2, “Bomb Queen: Trump Card” #1 (guilty pleasure readin’), “That Texas Blood” #3 and “Year Zero” #4.
Thursday: Donald Trump will accept the nomination of the Republican Party for the office of president of the United States. He will do so in a speech filled with lies, racism and other statements unfitting of the office he holds. Do yourself a favor — skip it.
Friday: Unless Disney backs off yet again, “New Mutants” will finally see the light of day “only in theaters,” which in 2020 is an ominous fuckin’ phrase if I’ve ever heard one. Stick to your local drive-in (if you’re lucky enough to have one) or better yet, check out “Bill and Ted Face the Music” from the comfort and safety of your couch.
Saturday: Chop Suey Day on account of the dish’s (likely apocryphal) invention on this day in 1896. I’m more of an orange chicken guy m’self, but enjoy.
Sunday: Connecticut, New Jersey and New York residents can participate in Zoom auditions for the next season of “American Idol.” Because there is no god.
Stay safe. Stay sane.
Have a good rest of the week, y’all.
Will Nevin loves bourbon and AP style and gets paid to teach one of those things. He is on Twitter far too often.
