The Best Man Miro might be in trouble.
The ‘Rasslin’ Report
If I owned stock in Miro — which I don’t, because he’s the professional wrestler formerly known as Rusev — I’d call in a hold or maybe even a sell order into my broker, because I’m down as hell on his AEW debut, primarily for two reasons:
1. Getting paired with Kip Sabian. I get that maybe they’re IRL friends or that this “Best Man” gimmick might be interesting, but Miro has main-event level wrestling talent and a natural, easy charisma that’s wasted with a time-sucking prelim guy like Sabian, a guy who has trouble outshining his own manager. Why bother putting him on TV, much less pairing him with *any* new acquisition? Doing this with Miro risks getting the stink of the midcard on him when he could do so much more. He can recover, sure — Drew McIntyre escaped his return-to-the-main-roster association with jobber to the stars Dolph Ziggler — but it’s going to make it that much harder for him to be an impact player in AEW.
2. That first promo. Speaking of “impact,” Miro’s first promo of “glass ceilings” and “brass rings” and “calling out Vince McMahon without actually saying his name” is the same thing every WWE castaway has done for the last 15 years. It’s old, stale and not nearly as clever as smarks think it is, which is why Chris Jericho was ready to take credit for it. Not only is it boring (especially when stacked up to Brodie Lee, who at least is doing the “I hate Vince” gimmick with some pizzazz), but it also violates the “show, don’t tell” tenet of good storytelling. If Miro is really in AEW to “grab the brass ring” (which should be winning titles and kicking ass), why didn’t he step up to Lee? Or, even better, Moxley? Or do anything to actually *show* this run will be different rather than simply spewing some empty clichés to get himself over with the smarks?
Miro’s career in AEW is not exactly doomed — again, see McIntyre’s recovery — but after one week, it’s not nearly in the shape that it could be. But right now, here’s what I’d tell him: If he wants to be an active participant in his misuse rather than the bystander he was in WWE, maybe he should stick to his Twitch channel and leave wrestling to his colleagues who can snatch that brass ring without excuses or lame promos.
Letters Home in a Time of Joker War
My dearest Ferdinand,
I believe we are finally in the endgame now; I see the conclusion of this conflict that has been both long and not long at all in some twisted perversion of time. Batman is finally well, having spent an eternity under the influences of Joker’s latest super ultra terrible toxin. Ferdie, how is the Joker a master of toxicology in addition to the rest of his madness? Does he pay chemists to mix his poisons? Does he create experiments himself? These are the questions that keep me awake at nights longing for your touch — those questions and the nightmares, of course.
My love, I’ve been told of a conversation between Harley Quinn and Batman, a passionate plea from the doctor to the vigilante to allow for the death of the man responsible for so much chaos and pain in our city. She is rumored to have said, “The story has to change.” I feel as if that’s some sort of meta commentary on our plight at large, like I have lived this war many times over and our creator above is simply running out of stories to tell.
But I know that is nonsense, Ferdie. It has to be. Otherwise, I simply could not go on.
I long for peace. I long for you. I long for an end.
All my love,
Ernest
P.S. — I believe Ric Grayson is dead. I believe no one will miss him.
Comic Journalisms
I get that we (fans, creators, publishers, etc.) get excited when The Gray Lady covers comics, but can we at least expect it to do so competently? In announcing DC’s latest digital-first COMIC BOOK on Sept. 9, the Times story on “It’s a Bird” — a crushing look at birder and comic book pro Christian Cooper’s infamous brush with racism from the man himself — called the work a “graphic novel” no less than a half dozen times. And, yeah, it’s a little silly to talk semantics when the thing is an indictment of America’s systemic racism, but words mean something, and I’m not the person who dropped “graphic novel” in two consecutive paragraphs only to write in a third that Cooper’s work was a “slim, 10-page story.”
“Graphic novel,” the tired man screams, is not synonymous with “comic book,” much like calling something a “comic book” is not a slight, and since the NYT’s regular comic book guy doesn’t do this silliness (the only faux pas in this story about big time names using crowdfunding is writer Greg Pak laughably explaining how there’s “an understanding now that Kickstarter is for anybody”), this screw-up is both on a writer outside of their normal beat and editing not catching what should have been a simple correction.
And I wouldn’t care otherwise, but this is such clear violence done to the English language for no other reason aside from a hang-up on calling a comic book a comic bleepin’ book.
Stop it. I insist.
And Now, Your Questions
Tweet me (@willnevin) or just scream at me with some stupid thing you want answered. If you don’t ask me questions, I’ll find you and beg you for them. Don’t make me beg.
@dagsly: Suppose there was a line to kick Donald Trump in the balls, how long would you wait?
I think the real question is how long *can* I wait. Is this a situation where I can bring camping equipment? Some sort of shelter and access to bathrooms? What about food? Water? I mean, this is something I’d be super into, but there are overriding survival concerns that are more pressing than the sweet, sweet feeling of my size 12 right foot in that bastard’s gonads. Assuming my basic necessities are taken care of, there’s probably no outer limit on the time I’d be willing to wait. Weeks. Months.
And I’d want to be dead ass last, too. To see him wrecked, probably in some sort of serious medical condition. At the absolute limit of what a human can endure. And then I’m the lucky sumbitch that gets one more kick.
Undoubtedly worth whatever wait was necessary.
@asimov_fangirl: What makes TMNT so adaptable to different genres/types of stories (noir, crime, sci-fi, martial arts, etc.) and tone (from kid friendly to grim and gritty)?
I think the answer here is that there’s more built-in flexibility with the Turtles than with other properties. Take Batman, for example. Unless we’re in an Elseworld or Earth One or some other alternate universe, the character is calcified in terms of his origin: He is Bruce Wayne; his parents are Thomas and MAAAAAARTHA; they die, and he makes war on crime. But the Turtles, on the other hand, are flexible: Is Splinter a pet rat who got big or a human sentenced by ooze to become a rat? Is April a teenager or an adult? Do you start with Shredder as a big bad or do you focus more on street-level crime? The choices you make as a storyteller with those basic questions help shape and guide the rest of the project into one genre or another.
For the record, I love pretty much all iterations…except the most recent one, “Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.” But maybe I should give it a chance — admittedly, I was scared off by the idea that Raph (rather than Leo) was the leader, and for a property I just praised for its flexibility, I should be more open to radical revisioning. I’m still not giving that Michael Bay stuff a look, though.
@BigDadEnergy_: Now that Slaughterhouse 5: The Comic is out, what other pieces of the literary canon should Ryan North adapt into a funny book?
My first pick would be “The Great Gatsby,” but that would in no way be on account of its story. (I just want some hot, hot art deco…art.) After that, I’d go for “The Jungle” (as relevant as ever, and think of *that* art) and any random ol’ Hemingway work. For something more obscure, how about Melville’s “Benito Cereno”? That’d be a hoot.
Fun facts: We already have adaptations of “Animal Farm” (a great book) and “To Kill a Mockingbird” (hot garbage).
@geneticghost: Will do you want to fantasy book Kenny Omega v Mox 2?
Sure, I’ll fantasy book any ol’ thing (even though I’m guessing you could do a better job with this than me, let’s give it a spin anyhow). To date, AEW has been — in many ways — the story of Kenny Omega: first, in not being able to buy a win in matches like Omega/Mox I, then finding success and self-destruction with Hangman and now, whatever is coming next. That last chapter should be a meaty one, and it probably needs to take Omega all the way over to the heel side. (Keep him away from the newly heel Bucks until it’s time to bring those three together and wreck everyone.) When it comes time for Mox to drop the title, it should probably be Omega who takes it from him — primarily because I can’t immediately think of anyone else with the necessary credibility. Have a series of matches, each with Omega coming closer and closer to winning but with Moxley coming out ahead. He cheats to win (maybe with the Bucks’ help) and steals the title.
From there, Omega goes on a nasty, demented heel run (which includes sending a face Jericho into retirement a la the Mick Foley/HHH feud of ’00) and destroys the entire roster…until Hangman comes to put ’im down.
@born2____: should i watch ‘The Boys’? has Watchmen vibes, but not sure if worth the time
Here’s a strange thing: I haven’t seen any of the comic book TV shows, mostly because my wife and I are on our 23rd rewatch of “American Dad.” But from what I understand of the respective critical reception of these series, “The Boys” ain’t no “Watchmen” (and not many shows are…but speaking of good television, the wife and I did enjoy “Perry Mason,” so that’s at least something). I think I started reading “The Boys” at some point, but I wandered off, primarily because Garth Ennis is either boring as shit or borderline obscene with not much in between. (At least you know what you’re getting with his World War II stuff, which I think only he reads.)
If you’re going to do this, I’d say you need to properly calibrate your expectations. It *could* be entertaining, but c’mon — it ain’t gonna be the good, high-quality HBO stuff.
Your ‘Why, Will’ Weekly Planner
Today, Wednesday, Sept. 16: “Dead Day” #3, “Devil’s Highway” #3, “Heavy” #1, “Iron Man” #1, “Stillwater” #1. Fun NCBD.
Thursday: Thursday Night Pandemic Football continues with the Cincinnati Bengals traveling to face the Cleveland Browns, and there is no part of any of that which should be watchable.
Friday: Your local theater should be closed. If it’s not, stay home anyway. Watch something you’ve already enjoyed. Think about when times were better.
Saturday: It’s National Clean Up Day, and you know what? Why not pick up a piece of litter? It won’t solve anything, but it will be a tiny bit of good in a whole sea of shit.
Sunday: “Just the Trip,” a perfectly solid episode of “Bob’s Burgers,” re-airs on Fox. Even though it’s already available on Hulu and any number of other online platforms, that’s not nothing.
Monday: Bellevue, Iowa’s Marquette Catholic School is serving a hamburger (w/bun), baked beans, tater tots and applesauce for lunch. Solid.
Tuesday: “Batman/Superman” #12…and I guess that’s it from DC — aside from anything with Tom Taylor’s name on it.
Stay safe. Stay sane.
Have a good week, y’all.
Will Nevin loves bourbon and AP style and gets paid to teach one of those things. He is on Twitter far too often.
