Because we can’t start with wrestling *every* week.
William C. Nevin Memorial Pick of the Week
Bourbon. Comics. Whatever. It’s my pick.
This week? A big-ass IDW sale at comiXology.
In prepping for our next “Assigned Reading” piece here at Xavier Files, I hit up comiXology to grab the first trade in the IDW TMNT series — only to find it for $2.50 or $5 or something stupid like that. Apparently (and this was news to me), Amazon’s stranglehold on digital comics distribution is running a sale in which comiXology Unlimited users get 50% off of most IDW books, which is a great deal if (like me) you crave Turtles and Trek comics.
A sharp colleague pointed this out in our Slack, and this sale is proof: comiXology Unlimited is not good for its service or its catalog, but it can pay for itself if you buy enough books with the various sales and discounts available to Unlimited users. The actual service is not much — the books offered don’t tend to be the newest, and in many instances, it’s only the first few issues. (Think if Netflix offered you a few episodes of a catalog television series — say something imminently skippable like “Wings” — and expected you to pay for the rest. Wouldn’t really get you excited to sign up, now would it?)
But this sale? As I complete a collection of ongoing series trades and pick up a bunch of random stuff (like color reprints of the Mirage classics and other minis) and think about all the comics I have to read now? Makes the subscription (and my inertia in not canceling it) worth it.
Now, if I can only find the time to read all these comics. Where’s the sale for that?
The ‘Rasslin’ Report
I’m going to play it straight with you, Loyal Wrestling Content Consumer: I do not have the patience to watch main-roster WWE for any extended length of time. I’ll check in on “Raw” or “Smackdown” occasionally — maybe catch a Sunday show if there’s nothing else going on — but I haven’t watched regularly for months, primarily because I got good and goddamn tired of Vince McMahon wasting my time and insulting my intelligence.
This antipathy struck me again this week with the in-ring debut of Retribution, the ragtag bunch of hooligans who have been “hacking” “Raw” for months. (Maybe it hasn’t been months. It feels like months. “Raw” is like pandemic time in that it is excessive, meaningless, too much, not enough, fleeting and oppressive all at once.) These rough and ready street toughs (complete with their sharp graphics package), though, came to the ring with the dumbest names this side of Dolph Ziggler in Slapjack, T-Bar and Mace.
Really.
And since it’s Retribution — a bad faith antifa/Bane cosplay that was DOA the second it first hit the air — maybe it doesn’t matter that the names are so dumb. But it’s one more example of crushingly stupid WWE writing and booking — creative efforts so bad, it’s as if McMahon and Co. are actively fighting against the viewer’s ability to suspend their disbelief and enjoy a show.
Take Seth Rollins, who I assume is still working his “Monday Night Messiah” gimmick. That character was born out of his irritating practice of obnoxiously defending WWE to all comers online, a shitposting weasel who we’d all like to see get smashed in the face. But the second he hit TV, he starts calling himself a literal messiah and leans into the Jesus imagery with his merch. No one — not a single person or believable character in fiction — acts or thinks like that. A doofy middle manager who abuses his authority and acts like he’s making some big sacrifice for everyone around him is a relatable character. A guy who dresses in leather and calls himself god is either a hot ticket at an S&M show or a waste of time.
Vince, though, doesn’t have the market cornered on stupid. The Young Bucks’ recent heel turn has been incredibly underexplained — and not in a good way. Hangman Adam Page prevents them from becoming No. 1 contenders for the tag titles. The next week, they superkick Alex Marvez for…reasons. (Which, not gonna lie, is a babyface move considering Marvez’s talent.) Then, they superkick a ref…for reasons. You can’t go from angsty faces to dastardly heels in the span of just a few weeks — it simply doesn’t make sense (despite whatever explanation is coming from the Bucks), and it doesn’t make for a good story.
I love pro graps. The athleticism. The art. The storytelling — when it works. But, please, let’s make it less stupid.
And Now, Your Questions
Tweet me (@willnevin) or just scream at me with some stupid thing you want answered. If you don’t ask me questions, I’ll find you and beg you for them. Don’t make me beg.
So your buddy Will goofed this week. Not only did I beg for and receive too many questions, but I also posted a Donald Duck gif along with my begging which, as you can see, Loyal Content Consumer, poisoned the well with a certain flavor of duck-related queries. For the first problem, I’m holding on to a mess of good questions for next week. And the second…well, we’re just gonna have to tackle some duck penises.
@AMTAppeals: On the subject of Donald. He only wears a shirt as part of his daily wardrobe – but when he gets out of the shower, he wraps a towel around his waist. WHY? Not the most original question, but…
I seriously had no idea that this was a meme. Maybe because I’ve never seen “Friends,” which is where 45 seconds of googling tells me this thing started. Another thing googling tells me is that the aforementioned “Donald Duck in a towel” shot is hard to find — but for the sake of argument, I will accept that it does exist.
Here’s what I reckon: The shirt covers his penis, which means he doesn’t have to wear pants — but he does have to keep that thing covered at all times, which is why he wears the towel. And do you want to know why he has to cover up? To live life as a never nude? Because he’s got a pasta noodle freak show down there:
Second only to the possum in terms of nightmare junk. Don’t blame Donald at all for keeping that thing hidden at all times.
@GregSilber: Speaking of Donald — do you prefer Huey Dewey and Louie when they’re virtually indistinguishable, or the way the recent [DuckTales] reboot reimagines them with their own personalities?
Speaking of other stuff I stocked up on in the IDW sale, let’s talk some “DuckTales” here. Admittedly, I have only vague memories of the original show, and I haven’t caught the new one BUT I think the question here slides nicely alongside “Alvin and the Chipmunks” and TMNT: Alvin, Simon, Theodore, Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo, Huey, Dewey and Louie are all better characters when they have separate and distinct personalities. Is there some overlap? Of course. But each one of them should have a thing — a gimmick, like Alvin’s outsized personality or Don’s gadgets — and they should react to their world in a principled and consistent way as it relates to that gimmick.
So, yeah, gimme those personalities.
@93418: So…the X-Men now all have swords. And pirate’s booty. Or maybe I made that up. What improbable weapons do you think the Justice League should acquire (like pool noodles) to combat their competition’s crossover completely?
My first thought here was to somehow improve on a sword, making one tougher, more exotic and more deadly than a simple blade. A saber, perhaps, that was made out of light. But I don’t think DC would go for that.
If we’re going for a goofy answer (which is the WHY, WILL MO), how about papier mache dongs? With that, seems like we have all the lethality of the pool noodles with the added benefit of donginess. Can’t go wrong there.
But a serious answer? Shields. Each leaguer could have their own thematic shield (Diana basically keeps hers, Supes gets a giant crest, Bat gets a bat, etc), and I think you could tell a real story there — that the best offense is acting as a concerted unit with each member looking after the next.
@jro616: How much of a Nazi was Walt Disney? (saw this claim going around lately and I didn’t know much)
So far as historians and researchers know, Disney was not much more than a casual, common-for-the-1930s-and-’40s anti-Semite and certainly not a Nazi sympathizer. His studio certainly made some great World War II propaganda for the good guys, including (to bring up the Donald once again) “Donald Duck in Nutzi Land” and “Education for Death.”
@jbushwords: I don’t know if he was a Nazi, but I’ve heard he was no fan of Judaism. Now, you want a big American industrialist Nazi supporter, you go Henry Ford. Anyway, Will, what kind of soup do you think Foghorn Leghorn eats when he has a cold? Can’t be chicken noodle. That’s cannibalism.
We’ve got lots of evidence of Ford’s anti-Semitism: a reported statement in 1919 that “the Jews caused the war, the Jews caused the outbreak of thieving and robbery all over the country;” his decision to purchase his hometown newspaper in order to spread anti-Semitic conspiracies; his distribution of “The Protocols of the Elders of Zion” (a notorious piece of black ops propaganda) and the Third Reich’s decision to award Ford the “Grand Cross of the German Eagle” in 1938.
As for the soup, that’s an easy one — whenever he’s got bird flu and it’s not too goddamn hot for soup, Foghorn Leghorn reaches for a corn chowder.
But here’s my question: Is it vegetarian?
Think about that for a week, why dontcha.
Your ‘Why, Will’ Weekly Planner
Today, Wednesday, Sept. 23: “The Autumnal” #1, “James Bond: Reflections of Death,” “Miles to Go” #1, “Rick and Morty Go to Hell” #4, “Shadow Service” #2
Thursday: “Star Trek: Discovery” makes its return to network television as the pilot episode begins a re-airing of the first season on CBS. I didn’t care for the episode and gave up on the series afterward (my standards for Trek are demanding), but your mileage may vary.
Friday: Heel Roman Reigns is the closest thing to entertaining main-roster WWE has at the moment and is therefore the best excuse to watch “Smackdown,” but it’s still a stretch. Because Reigns returned to the roster as a heel with no storytelling in the turn (i.e. the best part of a turn for chrissake), there’s no drama or subtlety in any of it, like when Randy Orton swore he was a member of the Wyatt Family only to come after Bray’s title at whatever forgettable Wrestlemania that was. We know the endpoint, and WWE can’t craft a journey worth following. So maybe don’t watch “Smackdown” on Friday after all.
Saturday: As SEC football (Read: real college football) kicks off, I’ve figured out my opposition to this season and sports and a “return to normal” in general. Outdoor sports venues — especially those at 20%-25% capacity — are probably safe, at least safer than our classrooms and movie theaters. (But mind those choke points at gates and concessions! And keep the mask on, if you please.) However, it’s not the safety for fans or athletes (which I am in no position at all to gauge, but seems it seems real bad!) that bothers me; rather, it’s the idea — as we cross the 200,000 casualty threshold that seems like a number so large it simply means nothing at all — that we should be doing anything that resembles fun and frivolity as a society. This time should be one of somber reflection, not of touchdowns in near empty stadiums, and this feels like calling in a clown to perform at your nana’s funeral. I won’t begrudge anyone for enjoying anything now, but I can’t with football.
Roll Tide. I guess.
Sunday: 35 years on earth, huh? It’s been…a run.
Monday: The day before the first presidential debate. Can it be November already? Or whatever good thing happens after November if good things still exist?
Tuesday: “Batman: The Joker War Zone” (really?!), “Batman: Three Jokers” #2 (for the lulz), “Batman/Superman Annual” #1, “Wonder Woman: 1984” #1
Stay safe. Stay sane.
Have a good week, y’all.
Will Nevin loves bourbon and AP style and gets paid to teach one of those things. He is on Twitter far too often.
