Why, Will: Casting an All-Mutant SNL (You’ll Never Guess Who’s Chevy)

Stop booking terrible, stupid finishes, Vince.

The ‘Rasslin’ Report: Your ‘Rasslin’ Dictionary 

When you know your babyfaces (good guys) from your heels (bad guys), you can impress the smarks (the “smart mark” internet fans).

fuck finish (noun): a contrived finish that serves only as a workaround for bookers and fails to answer the kayfabe question of which wrestler is the better competitor 

I heard this first from Todd Martin, the Pro Wrestling Torch columnist who basically tells me what to think about wrestling, so all credit to him on this term we need to work together to get over. He was talking to Torch editor Wade Keller for their Fix podcast about a recent match between Sasha Banks and Bayley that ended quickly after an intentional disqualification by Bayley when she bashed Banks with a chair. Keller said it was a reasonable setup for their Hell in a Cell match (because it’s a no DQ match), but Martin argued strongly that it was a counterproductive finish that only reinforced the idea that most matches on free television (and even some on the Sunday night shows) don’t matter. 

The fuck finish, as Martin seemed to use the term, is a storytelling crutch that either gets a booker from one chapter of a feud to another or resolves some other intractable problem, usually when a promoter doesn’t want to put one wrestler over another with any measure of dedication. It never resolves the question of who the better wrestler is, so it goes against The Standing No. 1 Rule of the ‘Rasslin’ Report (simulated combat between one party we want to see win and one we want to see lose) and serves only to turn off fans. It is bad and dumb and it sucks. 

So in honor of a term we all need to start using, here are a handful of fuck finishes from WWE that were terrible from the moment they got booked:

• Kevin Owens (Universal Champion) vs. Goldberg, Universal Title Match, Fastlane 2017: Owens is a talented, talented guy. Goldberg is an oaf who couldn’t wrestle in his prime. Vince wants the title on Goldberg, but he can’t go at all. So what does McMahon book? Owens gets distracted by Chris Jericho and eats a Jackhammer in about 30 seconds. 
• Roman Reigns vs. Braun Strowman, Ambulance Match, Great Balls of Fire 2017: WWE’s primary booking strategy for years has been to make Roman Reigns look strong, but how do you do that in a feud against a monster they were trying (at the time) to build? Book an ambulance match — a match so brutal (in theory) that the loser has to be taken to the hospital — and tack on a screwy finish in which Reigns loses after he speared himself into the back of the bus. It was so stupid, I laughed out loud. Still a fuck finish, tho.
• Brock Lesnar (Universal Champion) vs. Roman Reigns, Universal Title Match, Greatest Royal Rumble 2018: Roman’s gotta be strong. Brock’s gotta be strong. Let’s book a cage match where the “cage falls apart” and Lesnar *happens* to land outside the cage first. Winning on a technicality. That’s why we all watch sports, yup.
• Seth Rollins (Universal Champion) vs. “The Fiend” Bray Wyatt, Universal Championship Match, Hell in a Cell 2019: The Hell in a Cell match is billed as WWE’s toughest, most hazardous bout, so when a title match ended in a kayfabe ref stoppage, it was a big ol’ headscratcher and “fuck y’all” to the fans.

That’s four high-profile main events over the course of less than four years. Why? Aside from the fact that Vince McMahon is terrible at what he does in 2020, it speaks to his desire to keep all of his main eventers at about the same level — no one gets over anyone else for any extended length of time, there’s no mobility up or down the card and none of the matches has any consequences.

The propensity of Vince to reach for a fuck finish is not the rot at the core of WWE — but it’s a key symptom of it.

And Now, Your Questions

Tweet me (@willnevin) or just scream at me with some stupid thing you want answered. If you don’t ask me questions, I’ll find you and beg you for them. Don’t make me beg. 

@asimov_fangirl: Hi! On a scale of Hawkeye to Starman, how many times reusing a code name is TOO MANY times?

New “Why, Will” rule: Fangirl’s questions come first always. She’s the Loyalest Content Consumer, chief among equals. Totally my favorite. As to her question, let’s look at the numbers here: We have two Hawkeyes (Clint and Kate, obvs) and…good lord, how many Starmen? That’s too goddamned many. Clearly, we have to fall on the Hawkeye side of things — this Starman business is madness, and I won’t stand for it. And if I’m being honest, I’d be inclined to go with An Official Rule in Comics that says you don’t get to reuse codenames for anyone. You get one Robin, not one Robin, followed by angsty Robin, Red Robin, girl Robin and shitty tiny Robin. Come up with new names, lazy-assed writers. It’s not that hard. 

@danielpgrote: Hi, Dan Grote, longtime reader, first time questioner (lie). What mutants would you cast on a sketch comedy show? Assume you have 10 slots.

@ASmith_Petersen: What X-Man would make the best weekend update host? Actually better pick two

I’m going to take Dan’s question (pleasure to meet you, by the way) and add it to this other ’n’ here and say I’ve got 12 spots to fill: seven in the main cast, three featured performers (meaning folks we might cut or eventually move up to the main cast but we don’t have to give them a lot of attention now) and two on the Update desk.

Here’s my cast:

Main repertory:

• Deadpool
• Cable
• Storm
• Emma Frost 
• Mystique 
• Gambit
• Sabretooth 

I know Deadpool is not a mutant per se, but he’s the leading mutant-ish character with humor as a defining attribute so he’s ON THE SHOW AND THAT’S THAT [Grote’s note: Nobody tell Zack]. Cable’s there to play off him, Storm brings some class, Emma Frost lends some sassy sarcasm, Mystique does our impressions (duh), Gambit is gonna get by on charm alone and Sabretooth will be big and probably break character too often. 

Featured:

• Jubilee 
• Negasonic Teenage Warhead
• Cannonball 

Our featured players are hella young. Will they flame out? Will they make it on the show for three minutes a week to awkwardly mill about in the background of a skit? Who knows, but they’re in the credits, by God!

Weekend Update:

• Cyclops
• Beast

In the Jost/Seth Meyers years, the lead Weekend Update host has been the safest, whitest member of the cast and also the series’ head writer. Scott Summers seems to fit both of those gigs. Also, Beast strikes me as someone who could be a real natural behind the desk. [Grote’s note: They’d kill each other. It’d be great.]

Bonus Former Cast Member Guest Host Who’s Always Doing the Show:

• Wolverine 

Somehow, he gets the season premiere *and* the finale.

Bonus Former Cast Member Now Shunned a la Chevy Chase:

• Apocalypse 

Been around forever — doesn’t have many friends to show for it.

@cabbagecomics: if you could repopulate the core X-Men with wrestlers, who’d you choose? 

@cabbagecomics: can’t just be NWO get creative, I DEMAND IT

The X-Men are inherently a babyface group, which gives us a problem when it comes to mapping them to wrestling because there simply aren’t that many face stables. Think about it: the Horsemen, the NWO, the Shield — they were all heels for the bulk of their respective runs. So since we can’t simply adopt a face stable as the X-Men (although the New Day would be a face stable/trio, but there’s not enough diversity among those characters to carry a whole team), we have to get a little creative in piecing a team together.

(Also, I’m using the roster from the X-Men arcade game because that was funner than hell, and it’s as good a roster as any if we’re talkin’ core mutants.)

I start with Stone Cold as a Wolverine-type character, a guy who’s going to be in the middle of every story and super over with the fans. Latter-day John Cena (after the rapper gimmick, maybe after his featured role days, too) slides into the Cyclops milquetoast leadership role. The next one is a little obvious, but so what: You can’t get a better Colossus than the Miro Formerly Known as Rusev Who Is Currently Languishing as a Prelim Joke. Rey Mysterio (the most over cruiserweight there ever was) comes in at the Nightcrawler spot, while face Bayley (Dazzler) and Lita (Storm) fill out the roster.

Dusty Rhodes will be the emotional leader as the Professor Xavier stand-in, so that leaves only one person as the Magneto/blood feud rival: Ric Flair. 

@Michael_T_Wood: World Series edition: (1) Rays or Dodgers? (2) How many games?

At the outset, I have to say fuck the Rays. They play in a dump in the middle of a shit bowl city, and they should be either contracted or shipped to Montreal to play in a place that might actually care about them. Also, they owned the Yankees during the 60-game “regular” season. So they can get righteously fucked. Those fuckers (fuckees?) won 6-4 and tied the series at 1-1 with the next game set for Friday. What then? We don’t have any home field advantage to worry with since they’re playing in Texas. The teams are pretty evenly matched — they were the top seeds in their respective leagues, after all. So I think this goes at least six games and just maybe seven. And I’ll go with my nominal rooting interest in the Dodgers because (and say it with me, gang) fuck the Rays.   

@BigDadEnergy_: Underrated protein?

I love meat. Meat is great. The best. Give me a big ol’ steak (so help you God if it’s not rare, though), and I’m a happy fella. Hamburgers. Hot dogs. Fried chicken. Other less good ways of cooking chicken. It’s all good. But because of the resources needed to raise and process meat, it’s ultimately not sustainable. All that’s to say we have to start looking seriously at plant-based proteins, and while I don’t have any specifics there (Pea? That’s a protein, right?), lemme point out that we are doing some *amazing* things with meat substitutes. (And by “we,” I mean food scientists. We can’t cure cancer, but we can make meat substitute pizza rolls. That’s spitting in the face of God for sure.) My favorite to date is the Beyond Meat burger. It looks like a burger before it goes on the grill, it drips like a burger on the grill (it even has the red stuff that’s not blood!) and, best of all, it tastes like a great hamburger. Delicious as all hell. 

And maybe better for the planet? 

*shrug*  

Your ‘Why, Will’ Weekly Planner

Today, Thursday, Oct. 22: And so we come to one of the last ritualistic stops on this death march we’ve been on: the final presidential debate of 2020. It will be a noisy, grotesque thing — even with the addition of a mute button designed to allow uninterrupted discussion for a candidate’s two-minute opening statement on a given topic — and one more (perhaps a final) opportunity for Donald John Trump to drag the national discourse into the muddy swamp of his tiny, festering brain. I see two key factors in my own feeling of obligation to watch: one patriotic, I guess (It’s a presidential debate in an incredibly consequential election, I want to be able to follow THA DISCOURSE the next day, etc.) and one a little sickening (democracy car crash television). And that last one is bad. I know it. But I want this show to be over. We need it to be over.    

Friday: “Borat 2” day is finally here (with some extra juice thanks to Rudy Giuliani’s dick) and I tell you what, Loyal Content Consumer — that first movie still holds up. Yeah, the catchphrases are what we remember now, but there are some solid beats in that thing, like the stuff in DC, the naked hotel scene, the frat boys, the story with Pamela Anderson — all winners there. Again, we can’t reasonably expect something as good as “Borat” (“Bruno” certainly wasn’t), but if this can land in the neighborhood of “Super Troopers 2,” I’ll be happy.  

Saturday: The Third Saturday in October on the fourth Saturday of the month as the Alabama Crimson Tide travels to take on the goddamned Tennessee Volunteers in Knoxville. I could live to be 110, and ’Bama could win another fistful of championships, and I still wouldn’t take a win over those orange hobgoblins for granted. Alabama fans have to hate Auburn; they’re an annoying dingleberry of a little brother, a trifling thing to be suffered. But the Volunteers are different. We chose to hate Tennessee. It’s a calling. 

Also on the teevee, we got SNL with Adele as host. That should be interesting, right?

Bonus hidden question: @CoriMarie21: College football, eff Bama

I mean, yeah? That’s fair. At least I come by it honestly as a third-generation graduate with four degrees who grew up less than 30 minutes away from campus. Also, my undergrad years were filled with some absolute shit football. Like doo doo bad ball. But that’s all behind Bammer now, with nothing but bright skies and playoff trips ahead of ’em.

Sunday: A Halloween-themed episode of “Supermarket Sweep” lands on ABC. It’s only one show in, but Leslie Jones seems like she’s having a blast. (There’s also a spoopy “America’s Funniest Home Videos,” but no one gives a shit about that.) 

Monday: It’s your last day to play “Fallout ’76” for free. My question: Why? 

Tuesday: “Batman/Superman” #13…and some “Death Metal” one-shot? No. We don’t need that. 

A Final Farewell to…James Randi

James Randi, in all of his public appearances, always came off to me as a curmudgeonly son of a bitch — but who wouldn’t be after a lifetime of confronting quacks, psychics and other assholes only to see the American people continue to get dumber and more eager to get suckered? He’s probably most famous for sponsoring the One Million Dollar Paranormal Challenge, a contest that offered anyone who professed a paranormal ability the chance to prove said talent under controlled circumstances for a $1 million prize — the functional equivalent of the observation “How come psychics don’t win the lottery?” and equally unfulfilled to this day. 

In a world beset by nonsense, he was a constant reservoir of rationality, an advocate for reason and skeptical inquiry.

He was 92.

Two weeks to go.  

Stay safe. Stay sane.

Have a good week, y’all.