The X Spot: Turncoat Bond Slinks His Way to the Top (Again)

Would you like to know a lot of the things I hate, like state legislators, Peacock and steak fries? READ ON, FRIENDO.  

The Bottom (at the Top)

10. Tribute: Rush Limbaugh. Writers: Don Smith and Michael Frizell, Artist: J.B. Fernandes, Colorist: Simon Wright, Letterer: Wilson Ramos Jr., Publisher: Tidalwave Productions

The central thesis of this would-be hagiography seems to be “liberals only hate Rush Limbaugh because he’s successful and because he knows the minds of real Americans unlike you godless twits who are too busy caring about issues and systemic flaws inherent to our flawed political system that Rush was able to exploit and further degrade.” Nah — it’s not that complicated, and I can pull this story off in a panel:

PAGE ONE

PANEL 1: A graveside where Will stands and shovels dirt.

1. WILL: He was a real piece of shit.  

Again, not that hard. For Rush and for this book, looks like Jesus is about to grow another thumb because two thumbs down simply ain’t enough.

Could Have Definitely Been Better   

9. Karmen #1. Writer and artist: Guillem March, Color assistant: Tony López, Letterer: Cromatik, LTD, Publisher: Image

I’m just a tiny fish with a tiny fish brain, and all of the tiny words swimming in the big word balloons in Karmen left me tired and confused. When I got past the lettering (a consequence of the translation into English which, in fairness, is not a thing to fault a book for, but it does hurt the reading experience) and the self-harm, there were moments I enjoyed, but on the whole, this is one more example of an artist not being quite able to pull off both the pictures and words.

8. The Recount #3. Writer: Jonathan Hedrick, Artist: Gabriel Ibarra-Nuñez, Colorist: Sunil Ghagre, Letterer: Cristian Docolomansky, Publisher: Scout 

The saga of an honest veep in a crooked administration with half of the country out to murder the other half in vengeance continues, and I gotta say, while I hit subscribe so fast on this book, it’s getting a bit too hard to follow for 1) what it is and 2) the amount of time and thought I want to put into it. It’s like the back half of a lesser season of 24 — plots within plots and nuance and such, but all I want is Jack Bauer to smash someone’s face.

The X Non-Comics Thoughts of the Week

1. The various anti-transgender pieces of legislation snaking their way through statehouses from Montgomery to Little Rock to Charleston to Helena and all points in between where dim-witted assholes gather are nothing more than simple bigotry. Full stop. And it’s just so goddamned mean. Arkansas has the Gender Integrity Reinforcement Legislation for Sports Act. GIRLS. So fucking cute. Montana state legislators are pushing the “Save Women’s Sports Act.” Florida’s are working on the “Promoting Equality of Athletic Opportunity Act.” These assholes don’t care, have never cared and will never care about women’s sports; it’s all a means of selling transbaiting to John and Jane Don’t Pay Attention to Shit Voting Public. I hate it so much. I truly believe that government can make life better for those facing hardship, that we can all work together to help those who are less fortunate. And then I see elected officials actively working to make the world worse for those already facing discrimination and violence. I hate state legislators. Lowest form of life on the fucking planet.
2. MLB made the right call to move the All Star Game from Atlanta after Georgia’s turd-gobbling Legislature moved to curtail voting rights in the wake of the unthinkable disaster of Democrats winning elections. Commissioner Rob Manfred — who unilaterally made the decision to yank the game from the Braves’ White Flight Stadium in Cobb County — has generally been terrible for the sport (one more stupid rule change and I’m kicking your ass, Rob), but he surprisingly didn’t fuck this up. Can’t say the same for the Braves, who put out an incredibly pissy statement explaining “[t]his was neither our decision, nor our recommendation” and “[o]ur city has always been known as a uniter in divided times[.]” Get fucked, you trash franchise. 
3. Barves (that’s a bit) aside, it’s good to have baseball back in the spring where it belongs — even though the ComicsXF-backed Yankees dropped the first of many games in which Aaron Judge couldn’t hit, the starting pitching wasn’t absolutely spectacular and the bullpen couldn’t hold a tight one. It’s a long season, so I’ll have to pace my anger at the front office and ownership for not building a team that’s ready to win the World Series.
4. My wife and I finally watched Allen v. Farrow, and I have to say, out of 7 billion humans, Woody Allen might be the one I want to punch the most. (Mitch McConnell and Ted Cruz are up there, too.) That stupid fucking cough of his that comes off like an affected tic. His disgusting attempts to fein victimization. What an irredeemable *and* criminal bastard. The weird thing to me (as someone who was only a child when the original custody case and abuse allegation occured) is that the public knew the outlines of everything disclosed in the documentary. Use that new Peacock sub to fire up a ‘93-’94 episode of SNL, and you might find something like Jason Alexander leading a meeting of the Woody Allen fan club. What the fucking fuck? How was this a joke? Why did everyone buy the idea that Mia Farrow was simply a scorned woman AND it was OK for Allen to sleep with and eventually marry someone who was basically his stepdaughter AND to basically ignore the abuse allegation? There’s not hellfire hot enough for Allen — or for his enablers of the last three decades.
5. Speaking of Hell, it sure was nice to have a return of the good ol’ Satanic Panic with the kerfuffle over poor Lil Nas X and his devil shoes. And I’m not talking about Nike (they were absolutely right to sue over their trademarks, by the way — classic case of infringement here) but everyone else who thought it was somehow scandalous that this guy would dare make a product with demonic imagery and a teensy tiny drop of blood. This country and all of its associated stupid is exhausting.  
6. House Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene — who is either a mark or is queen of the marks for being able to converse so well in moron — labeled our coming coronavirus passports as “Biden’s mark of the beast.” (I gave you the Russian propaganda link there, Loyal Content Consumer, because disinformation is always best at its source. Artisanal, democracy-eroding freshness. Settle for nothing less.) I hope we’re not making policy decisions with the End Times folks in mind — coming from an evangelical background m’self, I know these people, and they are not bright. They’ll see omens and portends and prophesy in anything, so don’t fuckin’ listen to ‘em. By August, I shouldn’t be able to take a shit in the park(‘s public bathroom) without showing proof of vaccination. Make that thing necessary for public life — and maybe that will push people to get the shots. Of course, leave it to Florida to actually ban vaccine passports. I’m so fucking tired of so many people being actively bad. 
7. Vince McMahon is incapable of telling relatable stories about real people, and that extends to underdog heroes like small guys or — as in the case of Edge — old gunslingers coming back for one last stand. So it’s no surprise that he was clumsily turned heel and turned into a caricature of someone lusting for his spot at Wrestlemania … that he was going to get anyway. This story has been awful — so bad that it feels more like an emergency measure that may be accounting for Edge’s inability to carry half of a match. It might also be a weak-as-hell move to get the title off Roman without him taking a pin. Wouldn’t want him actually getting a loss, would we? Never change, Vince. (Actually, change as soon as possible. You’re killing the company. XOXO, Will.)
8. If I were a bettin’ man, I would put money on Peacock underperforming when it comes to Wrestlemania and the streamer’s ability to handle what will surely be its largest traffic surge. But why would they or Vince care? Look, I don’t give a shit about the content edits; yes, WWE should own up to its shit — including McMahon himself saying the n-word on television in 2005 — but they’ve never done the responsible thing. Peacock is (and will be for the foreseeable future) a bad deal for fans: fewer features, less content and a buggier platform, all for about the same price. But Vince and Co. get a bit more money and a bit less incentive to put together a half-decent product. Capitalism. Ain’t it grand?
9. It’s a shame that the Ava DuVernay/Tom King New Gods picture won’t see the light of day from the capitulating mess of Warner/HBO Max/DC because the suits negotiated with terrorists, and now they’re beholden to them. Great work, dipshits.
10. I signed up for the DC Infinite Universe platform so Brother Matt and I could review the Let Them Live vault series, and I guess I don’t hate it? It’s definitely busier than what I’m looking for in a comics app, but it feels like some love and attention has gone into it … unlike other comics apps owned and maintained by the richest company on the planet, and no, I’m not steamed about that, why would you ask?                     

Not Many Complaints, I Tell Ya

7. Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Gift. Writer: John de Lancie, Additional dialogue: Michael Jan Friedman, Penciller: Gordon Purcell, Inker: Pablo Marcos, Colorist: Julianna Ferriter, Letterer: Bob Pinaha, Publisher: IDW (Originally published as DC’s Star Trek: The Next Generation Annual #1)

Before the announcement of franchise antagonist Q’s return in Star Trek: Picard Season 2, it seemed like a strange decision to reprint a 30-year-old issue, but now it does seem like there was a bit of collusion between CBS/Paramount and IDW. And good for them — comics should chase a little bit of attention from the wider pop culture world, and the issue itself is pretty strong. (IDW is also republishing the Star Trek: First Contact adaptation, which sucks out loud.) “The Gift” is something of a two-part story that first sees Q torment Picard by taking him back in time and forcing him to convince his parents he’s their son, followed by Q saving Picard’s brother from a childhood death — only for him to grow up to become the fascist supreme leader of the Federation. It’s a rough draft of “Tapestry” (the sixth season “Q lets Picard change his past, but he learns that mistakes and trauma make him the man he is” episode that would come three years later), but it’s solid nevertheless. But would it be too much to ask for a remaster? Or at least a cleaned-up scan of the original? This looks like a mess. (I’m being picky, sorry.) 

6. Jenny Zero #1. Writers: Dave Dwonch and Brockton McKinney, Artist: Magenta King, Colorist: Megan Huang, Letterer: Dave Dwonch, Publisher: Dark Horse

I’m slow to hop on any kaiju train, probably because my brain doesn’t find anything inherently compelling about them. “Yeah, OK, monsters, that’s cool,” I think. “What else ya got?” But just like AfterShock’s Kaiju Score got my attention, so does this; Jenny is burdened with all the expectations and hopes of being one of the world’s preeminent big-ass-monster fighters. So is it any surprise when she cracks? Rebels against her family? Now, the twist at the end? That was certainly a surprise. Fun series. 

X Spotlight: Things on ComicsXF You Should Read

• Editorial: What Are NFTs, and Why Should Comics People Care? by Boss Man Dan Grote. Solid, level look at the NFT bubble. May it soon burst.                
• The Complete Guide to Fast Food Fish Sandwiches: Part 1 by Rob Secundus. Rob is weird as fuck.
• Advance Review: Wake up from a Rock ‘N’ Roll Nightmare in The Silver Coin #1 by Armaan Babu and Mark Turetsky. Lookin’ forward to crackin’ this one open m’self.                 
• Monster Hunter Rise, A Game Of Telephone, and Pain. This is Your Week in Wrestling by Charlie Davis, Forrest Hollingsworth and Thomas Cummins. Happy Wrestlemania week! I can’t wait (to hang out with friends in person like a human and watch a subpar show).
• We Rank I Breathed a Body #3 from Anne to Zoe by Rob Secundus and Big Boss Zack. I really need to pick this back up.

Almost the Best

5. Edgar Allan Poe’s Snifter of Blood #6.

Leave it to Tom Peyer to turn “Mask of the Red Death” into a superhero vigilante story. Sublimely strange in the best sort of way. And if this is the end of Snifter, what a way to go with Robert Jeschonek’s story of Poe’s literary rival getting his ultimate comeuppance in Hell. (Seriously, Rufus W, Griswold was a real bastard.) Me? I think choking on a stream of glaze is probably one of the best ways to go.  

4. Department of Truth #7. Writer: James Tynion IV, Artist: Tyler Boss, Colorist: Roman Titov, Letterer: Aditya Bidikar, Publisher: Image

This was the second of two “deviations” (detours from the main arc featuring a guest artist rather than series regular Martin Simmonds), and while I liked the first one better on account of its deep dive into Catholic Church conspiracies, this was certainly a strong issue on UFOs and “Men in Black.” The expectations game is a beast — every installment of this series seems like it should blow me away, but this one was *merely* great. Now I feel like there’s a 14-year-old boy in my mentions getting mad that I said that Weezer isn’t good. Unfair as hell, but that’s what you get for putting together an imaginative and complex book.

3. Legends of the Dark Knight, Vol. 3, Ch. 1. Writer and artist: Darick Robertson, Colorist: Diego Rodriguez, Letterer: Simon Bowland, Publisher: DC

Some of the story details seem like a moving target (Batman’s after a shipment of Very Bad gas that could be used by most of the denizens of the Rogues Gallery, but why do they want this specific Bad Gas?), but I do not care in the least. One of my favorite series is back, and with most of Batman’s baddies dropping in on the first story, yes, Big Fights are extremely my shit. 

2. Hollow Heart #2. Writer and letterer: Paul Allor, Artist and colorist: Paul Tucker, Publisher: Vault

While sex was brought to the forefront in this issue, I’m still struck by how El (the monstrous creation in so much physical and emotional pain) can emote so much in his facial expressions — simply masterful work by artist Paul Tucker. I’m ready for this series to fully wreck me; I have several questions, and I’m not sure I’ll like the answers to any of them.

The Top X List: The Best French’d Fry 

Programming note: This week’s Discord quotes were accidentally mailed to a U.S. Post Office box in Booger Hole, West Virginia. We sincerely regret the error.   

Since so many of you insisted on being wrong on this issue, the X Spot proudly presents the Top X ways to cook up a potato in fry or any other form:

Honorable mentions that are better than the bottom two entries that are included only for scorn: Wendy’s fries, au gratin, hash browns (Waffle House style), hash browns (McDonald’s potato cake style)

10. Steak fries. Soggy, flavorless abominations. But I hear you now, “Cooked properly, they’re great.” Guess what, dingleberry: They never are.

9. Crinkle cut. Also never cooked properly. If there’s more than an 80% chance that your fry is going to come out terrible, chunk the whole fuckin’ concept.

8. Potato logs. Again, have a tendency to be undercooked, but at least these are seasoned, and I never have expectations of greatness. Always at least whelmed with a potato log.

7. Loaded mashed. Cheese, chives, bacon, whatever. Pile that shit in there.

6. Baked. Total contrast with No. 7: Give me a crispy, salted baked potato, and I’ll go to town on that motherfucker. No need to complicate perfection with a bunch of toppings.

5. Shoestring. Crispy, hot and salty. Hard to fuck those up and rarely disappointing.

4. Five Guys. Maybe it’s having the fries cut there in the store, maybe it’s the copious amounts of salt, maybe it’s the greasy sack full they’re required by law to give you. In any case, Five Guys fries are top tier.

3. Waffle. I can’t explain it. I just like them.

2. Curly. Seasoning and texture make these a winner.

1. Tater tots. Tots are a sign that God loves us, and he wants us to be happy. There has never been a day in my life in which I would not have eaten tater tots, and the day I turn down some hot tots, go ahead and roll me into the ground.      

Interested in signing up for the ComicsXF Patreon? You know what to do. 

Finally, the Big Hoss of the Week

1. James Bond: Agent of Spectre #2. Writer: Christos Gage, Artist: Luca Casalanguida, Colorist: Heather Moore, Letterer: Simon Bowland, Publisher: Dynamite

Agent of Spectre is my personal Bond story; everything clicks, and I can’t put the sumbitchin’ thing down. But where is this thing going from here, especially with the shocker of a conclusion? Friends, I’m worried about our man James — there are only so many plots within plots within plots that one man can handle. I watched Toy Story 2; I know where that leads.  

NeXt Time on the X Spot

Batman: The Detective #1, Chariot #2, Geiger #1  and seven more … because it’s pronounced “ten.”