Externals, Ranked By How Much They Make Me Groan When They Show Up

The early 90s X-Books had their share of bad ideas. Characters who never did anything interesting or good but boy did they feel important had have neat designs. Because X-Men were the biggest thing ever in the 90s, some creators, whether from a misplaced sense of nostalgia or wild confidence in their skills, continue to try to bring them back. And no group is more groan inducing than The Externals.

The Externals, also known as The High Lords, are an immortal group of mutants created by Rob Liefeld and Fabian Niceiza for their The New Mutants and X-Force. They are very stong and very scheamy, and they are nearly the most insufferable group in the long history of insufferable X-Men baddies. Thanks to Tini Howard in Excalibur #11, we know they were also Apocalypse’s first coven. These High Lords are set to play a role in the upcoming X Of Swords, and so, we’ve decided to rank the Externals, based on how much I groan when I see them in a story.

Dishonorable Mention: Cannonball

He’s not an External and hasn’t been since the mid-90s. It’s been retconed no less than 3 times. Stop pretending The Rob’s bad ideas were good. Sam just magically came back to life in X-Force and we gotta not overthink it OK?

9. •┤Ȧ├•

Is there anyone who has had a better glow up in the last year then En Sabbah Nur/Apocalypse/The First One/Blue Dad/•┤Ȧ├•? After an existence of being a cool idea, Apocalypse is finally thriving on Krakoa. No one groans when he shows up anymore.

8. Crule

7. Burke

Burke is one of the interchangeable Externals that no one remembers. Unlike his brethren, Burke actually hates being immortal and kills himself whenever he gets the chance. Truly the 2020 Mood we can all relate to.

6. Selene

Selene is a classic Claremont character with a long history of being in bad stories. Seriously, she has not been in a single good one. However, the sapphic writers on this site have brought up that Selene got tiddy, which is a valid reason to keep her higher on the list.

5. Absalom

Absalom is the mean spiky one. Which sets him apart because you can tell that, yes he has powers, and no he isn’t interesting

4. Nicodemus

Nicodemus is best known for being another one of the Externals that you don’t actually know. His is so irrelevant that he doesn’t even make Wikipedia’s “List of Marvel Comics characters: N” unlike such cultural touchstones as Nezarr the Calculator.

3. Saul

If you, gun to my head, asked me, a man who has read every comic they are in, to tell you the difference between Nicodemus, Saul, and Gideon, I’d pull the trigger myself.

2. Gideon

Gideon is the External who most exemplifies why I groan when I see the Externals in a story. As the most important character introduced in The New Mutants #98, Gideon, more than anyone else, signals the nonsensical plot X-Force would try to drive over the next year. He’s an uninteresting mess with a stupid ponytail and I hate him.

1. Candra

Candra is what happens when writers take a simple idea, like an underground team of thieves, and decides to build a sweeping mythology around them that has never, and will never make sense. She does what should be impossible and makes Gambit worse. There has never been a good story with Candra. When she shows up, you know you’re not only going to get Externals non-sense, you’re going to get Thieves Guild and Assassins Guild nonsense. 2 silly 4 me.

We don’t know who the secret tenth External is, and listen, we’re sure Tini Howard will be the first person to tell an Externals story that doesn’t suck. Till then, we’re going to sit here and hate them, because we can.

Zachary Jenkins

Zachary Jenkins co-hosts the podcast Battle of the Atom and is the former editor-in-chief of ComicsXF. Shocking everyone, he has a full and vibrant life outside all this.