Dear Content Consumer,
Please forgive me.
You see, I’m taking this week off after the heaviness of our last time together.
But don’t worry — I’ve arranged for my brother Bill to take over my duties this week. Bill is 43, a successful concrete contractor and is Extremely Offline.
We are not close.
And forgive me for one more thing.
As a white man of a certain age, I have an affinity for Bill Hicks, a standup comedian who died when I was 9. All such white men of a certain age and bend have a moment when we’re initiated to Hicks — usually by an older white male friend — and learn the sad story of a man who died at the cusp of superstardom. Whether he was truly transcendent or merely has the advantage of legend and being idolized by a legion of would-be giants who could have made it if not for [insert imaginary grievance here] is a debate for another day.
For now, the important thing is that Hicks was angry. Political. Raged at all of the Reagan/H.W. Bush-era nonsense. He’d get philosophical, too. About how we’re all one, about how reality is a shared delusion. Hard to say how deep in the kayfabe he was, but he sold it like a master. The bit — the one I think about a lot — is that after getting so deep and weird and maybe too personal for the audience’s comfort, he’d say, “There are dick jokes on the way, ladies and gentlemen. … The last 10 minutes we pull our ‘chutes and float down to dick joke island together.”
This week, we’re pulling our ‘chutes. Let’s all float together.
P.S. I left Bill a few notes. He may read them. He may not.
Today (July 13): ‘Money Plane’
I saw something about some “Old Guard” comic book movie, but I tell you, I don’t care for any of those superhero movies. Once you seen one “Batman,” you seen ’em all. So forget that, and forget Netflix. Today, what you need to do is fire up your iTunes and go watch “Money Plane.” I can’t believe no one is talking about that movie — it’s got Frasier and Edge, and it looks badass. And from watching the movie commercial they put together, it seems like they didn’t waste any time or money on sets or special effects. A movie I can relate to. I appreciate that. Don’t make ’em like that anymore. So watch that instead of Netflix Batman or whatever.
Tuesday: Batman comics?
I wanna be clear here — I’m not one of those Q people or whatever. I just think they ask some interesting questions, aight? Like, why does the media only report on the bad stuff about the president? And why aren’t there more stories about the good work JFK Jr. is doing? And this stuff with Wayfair? It’s criminal, folks. But I ain’t a full on Q. Some of them, it’s a lifestyle. Don’t have time for that.
My little brother says that something called “Death Metal” #2 is out on Tuesday, and I tell you, I don’t care for that stuff. Too loud. Just a bunch of noise, if you ask me. He also says “Justice League” #49 is out too, and that actually sounds like a comic book.
Wednesday: Next Person Who Asks Me to Diagram a Sentence Can Kiss My Ass
Look, I’m gonna be honest with you internet people — I’m not much of a reader. Ain’t never been one to pick up a book because there ain’t never been nothin’ worth learnin’ from a book. Yeah, I can read about “philosophy” or “science” or other dipshit stuff, but how is that gonna help me in my life? You think I learned how to pour concrete from readin’ a book? Hell no. Learned by doin’. Sixth-grade teacher tried to teach me how to diagram sentences, and that came from a book and that was some straight up bullshit.
But if I was to read one of these here comic books, it’d probably be Punisher. He’s a comic book, right? I know all that cop stuff looks badass.
I got one of these notes about some books out Wednesday (Y’all got new stuff on Tuesday and Wednesday? That seems confusing) — “Artemis and the Assassin” #3, “Giant-Size X-Men: Magneto” #1, “Undone by Blood” #4 and “Year Zero” #3 are all on his list. I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout those comics, but if Nerdo likes ’em, I guess they’re OK.
Thursday: ‘Last Man Standing’ Marathon on CMT
There ain’t nobody funnier than Tim Allen. That’s a fact as true as the day is long and probably twice as true when the mix is off and the concrete you worked so damn hard to pour won’t set right. (For the record, that’s why you test your mix.) But “Home Improvement” was a great show — something that really hit me on an emotional level. I mean, raising kids in the nice suburbs when you have a TV show has to be hard. Anyhow, this other show from Tim is just as good, maybe even better. See, in this new show, instead of a big shot television guy, he’s a big shot marketing guy for an outdoor sporting goods company. And instead of boys, he’s got girls. Totally different stuff. You’ll get four whole hours of “Last Man Standing” on Thursday on CMT (the show ain’t “country” nor “music” but I sure as hell ain’t complainin’), but after looking at TV Guide on the computer (man I miss the printed ones), I gotta warn you that the second episode gets a little spicy: “While thrown for a loop when he meets his neighbors, a loving lesbian couple, Mike is impressed with the similar interests he shares with one of the women.” How they can show that stuff in the middle of the day, I don’t know. Anyway, I warned you, so you can’t get mad at me.
Friday: What I Do in the Portajohn Is My Business
Like I said, I ain’t really one to read. But Friday, I’ll be out all day on the job site — fella in Huntsville is redoing his pool and paying me a big ol’ mess of money to seal it right this time — and I enjoy my alone time in the portajohn as much as the next guy. But in the summertime, them shit boxes get hot real quick, so it’s not like you can lounge around in there all day. I usually hit up the Alabama football message boards. Maybe some of the blogs if I got the time.
So when my brother says something about “long reads,” is this what he means? Stuff to get into on the shitter? He’s got “Virtually Yours” and something about “mentioning how ‘Andre the Giant’ looks like it’s going to win the reader poll.” The things he does with his time.
Saturday: Orlando Storm at Orange County Breakers
On the list of sports that are boring as shit, tennis is right there with soccer, golf and those bad high school leagues that play without the shot clock. SHOOT THE BALL ALREADY, KID, I AIN’T GOT ALL DAY FOR YOU TO SUCK AT DRIBBLING. But…uhh…live sports are kinda hard to come by these days, so I’m down to this: some thing called World TeamTennis. I ain’t happy with it, and I sure ain’t proud…but when it comes on ESPN2, I’m gonna watch it. Orlando Storm at the Orange County Breakers. Could be a big game. Or not. How the hell would I know?
Sunday: Liberty Treehouse
I try not to pay for too many of these streaming services — they’ll eat up your damn wallet if you’re not careful. But one I do pay for is Blaze TV. Glenn Beck just gets it, you know? Speaks plain and simple and explains what’s wrong with everything and how we can fix it. But Blaze TV ain’t just Glenn — naw, he’s got Phil from “Duck Dynasty,” Candace Owens and a bunch of other really nice people. That ain’t even the best thing, tho’. He’s got this kid show called “Liberty Treehouse,” and I’ll plop mine in front of it any time — especially for three hours Sunday morning. I can trust in Glenn and his people to educate my kids the right way and tell them only the stuff they should know.
If only the mainstream media was more like Glenn.
Will Nevin loves bourbon and AP style and gets paid to teach one of those things. He is on Twitter far too often.
